How happiness happens.

On Friday night Weston and I sat outside in his backyard as the sun set, and over a bottle of wine discussed some fears I have been facing. I was overwhelmed and feeling lost about my purpose - questioning how things were taking shape and worrying about the future. I had a rough week and couldn't rest my mind and enjoy the moment because I was too preoccupied with figuring out my next move - determining what changes I needed to make to find "true happiness." Should I live closer to town? Did I major in the right field? Am I spending my time wisely? Am I nurturing my passions? Am I missing opportunities? Am I good at what I do? Am I wasting my money on food (never!)?

I bet he is in his twenties... or just... lost.

A big part of this anxiety I attribute to the curse of the "twenties" - the stigma that these are the best years of your life so you better do them right. Your twenties are a decade in which you are still young, energetic, and eager - without homework and hopefully with a moderate paycheck that gets you by. You are "all grown up" and yet real grown ups envy that you are free - without kids, probably without a mortgage (sans Weston who at 24 actually is a homeowner - what a real grown up, huh!). Life overall should be pretty easy - pretty euphoric. And yet, it is all of these assumptions I just listed that tend to make people living through their twenties feel inadequate.

Essentially, we are enduring a decade pressurized with social expectation and often we feel like we just don't live up. This social noise to have a dream, pursue it, become successful at it, all while finding a spouse, laying down roots, and yet still looking amazing, because let's face it - "our bodies will never look this good again" - can oftentimes be deafening. Suddenly life becomes more about living up, than simply living. 

I have a feeling you can relate. We all have those weeks (forget mid-life - try mid-month, every month crisis) when every day and every activity that consumes you just feels like a chore or even worse, like a failure. Almost as if you are swimming upstream, away from a path you think is going to take you from "just okay" to "great."

(Weston) (haha, yeah.. ).

So as you can imagine I am lamenting in true Jenny monologue fashion when suddenly Weston said something that really resonated with me. He said - "happiness doesn't happen to you - it is not created by a person, a job, a location. It is a mindset that you adopt. YOU can make happiness happen all on your own, right now. Take steps forward, but take them happily. The rest will fall into place." [Okay let's be honest, he is eloquent and that was at the heart of our two hour pep talk, but yes - that was my literary spin on a direct quote. You caught me.]

In that moment it took that insight (and let's also give credit to the wine) to remind me of the power of perception. I have written about this in the past a lot actually - whether it is attempting to see things "clartin clear" or simply taking the time to be grateful on a daily basis - but it is so easy to forget how doing small things can become a commitment to happiness and can in turn make all the difference. It doesn't have to mean moving across country, finding a brand new job, chopping off all your hair (oh goodness... mini panic attack at the thought). That kind of radical change might work for some - and might be necessary for some - but for me, it's the little things. These things are working out, writing, eating healthy (or indulging in oreo cookies) hugging, wearing a new outfit, listening to Celine Dion, dancing in my living room, trying not to sweat the small stuff (key word is TRYING), and taking life one day at a time. These things are not hard. Most of these things I can do at my desk at work (with the exception of yoga in the office - that didn't quite work out as I had planned). I can choose to just be happy.

-I did not say this. Nor did Weston. But its true.

Today I came into work with a completely different attitude and so far so good. I am human - tomorrow might suck. Tonight I might get home and stub my toe or step in duck poo - this is life. And clearly just "being happy" is a hard attitude change to make a habit, or else there wouldn't be an industry of self help books, happy pills and yours and my favorite - happy hour. BUT I am trying to be intentional about my happiness. I am trying to pursue happiness instead of pursuing a life change I think will bring it about. This doesn't mean I am going to stand still or settle. It just means I am going to climb the hill, and not assume I can jet-pack it to the top. Because no one can. I don't care if you are in your twenties or not - everyone's journey is unique. It is your own story - and making big things happen takes a lot of baby steps. Happiness means something different to every individual and so we must stop letting the voices in our head tell us our story isn't good enough or to just re-write it altogether (just listen to Celine instead).

It is possible, you have the power. Find the small things, incorporate them into your life, and commit to happiness. Because at the heart of happiness is just that - your heart. Not a job. Not a mansion. Not prince charming. Just you.

(Well, you, and maybe a bottle of wine too).