Have a Holly Jolly - HOLY CRAP I HAVE TIME FOR NOTHING

Dear Creativity:

My well has run dry of charm and comedy.  I have nothing left to give you people. I try every day to dig deep into my twisted brain to come up with something refreshing for you all to read and smile about. But today, I woke up in dry heat with a peeling chin since the skin there has rebelled against my face and between work and holiday prep, I am just exhausted.

I am self-aware enough to know you guys don't pop on here to read about the epic debate I had over which oatmeal brand to buy at the grocery store yesterday. And so that leaves me with only a few things to say with the five minute break I am allowing myself to write.

• Question. Was I watching the Victoria Secret Fashion Show or the National Geographic Channel last night? Those woman are freaks of nature. Not even Taylor Swift's violent hip thrusts and new "mature" bangs could get her noticed among those (boobs) beauties.
• Christmas shopping stress has made me resent the birth of Jesus and the need to celebrate it with high-tech gadgets and gifts. If anyone knows what dads want this Christmas, hit me up.
• Dear Dads - start liking normal shit I can quickly identify and buy on amazon.com.
• Thank you cards are so thoughtful and sweet but my handwriting is chicken shit (I meant...scratch... shit/scratch, whatever, I don't have time to be accurate), I don't have your addresses, stamps are out of my budget this year, and the truth is, you probably are getting enough lovely Christmas cards of picture perfect families to give a crap about my illegible gratitude, so I'm skipping it. 
• With that being said, THANK YOU to all of my wonderful amazing family and friends who made my birthday so fantastic. I am truly so blessed. My ass fat also thanks you for the cupcakes, brownies, muffins, chocolate chip cookies, cake, and chocolates you provided. It is thriving and it is all thanks to your generosity. 
• Everyone is getting wine for Christmas. It is Jesus approved. It doesn't go bad so while toddlers might have to wait a bit, their time will come. And the concept of having a glass after getting home and moisturizing my chin is getting me through the day, so I assume it will bring you all the same joy.

Oh happy, happy, holidays!