The Monday Merry-Go-Round

This is me.

Mondays are not my friend. In fact, they make me feel like I am being forced to run on a treadmill (speed 9, incline 15) in the waiting room of the DMV with a dead cell phone, no coffee, while pmsing. Yes, you guessed it friends. Monday's make me feel like Kacey Musgraves at the CMA Awards.

This Monday is particularly painful as I am still in a food coma from my leisurely long weekend and December 9th regrettably marks the end of my birthday week. My days of glory are through, and now its time for Jesus to take the wheel until Christmas. Then it's JANUARY and my hatred for that month trumps even my disdain for the DMV.

Because misery loves company I will now give you the play-by-play of this Monday in a little list I'd like to call: Now I Know How Kacey Feels.

5:05am - Alarm goes off for sunrise hot yoga.

5:05.10am - Lots of expletives starting with the letter F run through my head as I try to think of every possible reason why sunrise hot yoga is a bad idea.

Son of a betch.

5:05.15am - Then I remember the buffet of cupcakes I consumed this past week.

5:05.30 - 5:35am - Self loathing. Snooze. Alarm. Self loathing. Snooze. Alarm. (This pattern continues in eight minute increments).

6:00am - I finally make it to sunrise hot yoga in the complete dark because ain't no sunshine when it's raining.

6:30am - Craving a cupcake mid-down-dog.

6:45am - Starting to get hostile at the instructor for thinking bicycle crunches are a good idea.

7:00am - Namaste. I earned a cupcake, right?

7:15am - I decide not to give a crap about my appearance (aka, shave my legs or wear heels) because that sounds too exhausting and it's winter.

8:00am - Arrive at work and turn on the computer. Sigh. Is it nap time yet?

8:10am -  Lots of expletives starting with the letter F run through my head as I see my mailbox load new emails.

8:15am - Decide to put those emails on hold and get coffee - my divine savior.

9:15am - Already had three cups, two calls and one meeting. Is it lunch time yet?

10:00am - Planning what I am going to eat for lunch.

10:15am - Wondering how it is only 10:15am.

11:00am - Decide getting up to use the restroom is overrated. My limit of physical exertion for the day was tapped out with the crunches.

11:15am - Emails, emails, emails. Can no longer hold my pee.

11:30am - Decide I have earned a break and write this post. 

The sound of my thoughts.

12:00pm - LUNCH time. The entire Gay Men's Chorus sings out in my head - HALLELUJAH! - in 17-part harmony.

Now, I am no fortune teller, but here is how I foresee my afternoon panning out based on past experience: 

1:00pm - Back from lunch. What should I have for my afternoon snack?

1:30pm - Is it time for my afternoon snack yet?

2:00pm - Emails. Calls. Clients. Bosses. Coffee. Gchat. (This pattern continues in eight minute increments).

3:00pm - Time for my afternoon snack! NOM NOM NOM.

4:00pm - How is it not 5pm yet? I am done for the day, can I please go home now?

4:45pm - ALMOST TO FREEDOM. 

4:55pm - A flood of emails, emails, emails. Calls. Clients. Bosses (This pattern continues in eight minute increments).

5:55pm - If I don't leave now I am going to miss E! News.

5:56pm - As I walk out the back doors of my office I shout into the pitch black night
"Suck it, Monday. If I could taser you, I would!!"

Hope you have a fantastic Monday everybody! (said in a sarcastic tone since let's get real, I actually hope you are all suffering with me).