If ONLY verizon wireless had a cable service.

More like, att&t U-suck

[Preface: I know these are "first world problems" and that children are starving in Africa and that I should be grateful to have a roof over my head. And I am - if you know me, you know that. But we all have moments we just need to express our frustrations with a little comic relief...]

Dear Customer Service Reps at ATT U-verse:

Hi. My name is Jenny Cupero. Oh wait, you know that because we have spoken on the phone every single day for the past week, sometimes more than once a day. You all have asked me for my phone number far more times this week than any man at a any bar ever has. I'm not flattered. Do you not have caller id? I was thinking about putting your number on my speed dial and then I remembered, why bother when I already have it memorized. In fact, it flies from my fingers with rage. I have your automated man's questions also memorized. NO! I don't remember my account number. YES!  This is a home. HOME! I said HOME! No, I do not want to push "2 / dos" to have this read to me in espanol. TECHNICAL SUPPORT. TECHNICAL FREAKIN SUPPORT. I hope automated man doesn't have feelings because if he does, I crapped all over them.

Then after automated man and I have our small talk, you finally get on the phone. Sometimes I understand what you're saying, and sometimes I most certainly do not. You, however, say you completely understand my frustrations? Well that is great - but unless you also understand that a lot has been going on in my life and ALL I WANT is to be able to watch Real FREAKIN Housewives to feel like my life, in fact, is perfect in comparison - you really DON'T UNDERSTAND my frustration. Once we get through the potential language barrier, you ask me for my phone number again. Did automated man not send you the message? He sucks at communicating. I think I'm going to break up with him. What is the problem, you ask? Well the problem is after having my box installed on Friday of last week, it has persisted to punk out every single day since the installation. Your technicians and I have shared deep conversations as I get pulled away from work for hours to let them into the apartment. We laugh, we cry. We commiserate over a tub of Ben and Jerry's, but do we fix the problem? No. We cannot. Because you sent me the wrong technician, or the wrong equipment, or simply don't show up at all during my time window. Oh and let's not forget how special the highly informative and courteous text message I received at 7pm on Thursday after four days of "fixing the problem" that said "still wrking on prob." I might have teared up in the middle of TJ Maxx.

What is even better - truly the cherry on top - is that after celebrating the resolution of this hot mess just this past Friday - one whole week of daily ATT interruptions to my Bravo addiction later - the entire city of Nashville ends up having a Uverse outage on the night of the Emmy Awards leaving me again with no cable.

No, I don't want to take up reading. Yes, this IS A BIG DEAL. When you are living alone for the first time in your entire life during fall premiere season, and you are sick of stuffing mac and cheese in your face for comfort, you just want a little cable.

So what can you do for me since I am completely STUCK WITH YOU since my building won't let me go to the lesser of two evils, Comcast? I'm thinking the friends and family discount, since I call you people more than I call my mom. I'm thinking that perhaps you all could get your shit together so that I can attempt to cope using cable to get my shit together. And I'm also thinking that it would be really awesome if I didn't have to speak to you anymore. It's been fun and real kind of cute, but I'm over it, so please. PLEASE, do something that makes me NOT want to throw a knife through the phone. I'm really a nice girl. Don't make me use my new tazer.

Sincerely, and with the utmost patience and gratitude,
Jenny

Ch Ch Ch Changes.....

I live at you. Whoop.

As the leaves begin to color and fall, and the air sharpens, I start to realize more and more that summer is fleeting. There is always a sadness that accompanies the end of summer for me. I can't help mourning the loss of bright evenings, beach trips, flip flips and flirty dresses. With a turn of the calendar month, a shift in the fashion and a new season upon us, I also find myself turning the page and laying the foundation in my life for a new chapter. Creating a new normal takes a lot of work and the beginning is often the hardest place to start. But ready or not, change just comes.

The new job has certainly been kicked into full swing as I continue to navigate through the challenges and excitement of working on a rapidly evolving national client. I am learning the ropes, the culture, the nuances of personalities, and yet, every day I wake up still unsure as to what the heck I am doing and what the work day will bring. I am trying to see this as exciting instead of intimidating, but like the temperature around this time of year, my feelings certainly fluctuate on that front.

Not only is the job a new path, but I also FINALLY moved into my new apartment after a very long and tiring journey. I now officially live just a half mile away from my office, in the heart of my favorite Nashville neighborhood. My dream of living on my own, in my favorite city, just steps away from the energy of it all, is unfolding before me, and it is so thrilling. I will admit, it is also very overwhelming trying to make my house a home when all I brought to it was a kick ass mattress and a box of mac and cheese. Some mornings I feel like a kid back at summer camp, waking up slightly unsure of where I am, only to remember I'm not quite home. It takes time, but it is certainly coming along, and I cannot wait to have a house-warming party once I have all of the finishing touches put on.

Things I have learned from living alone for the first time: 

1. Customer service phone reps and I will never be true friends. I try, and try and try again to be sweet and patient, but after one too many 800 numbers, on-hold musical snacks, and redirects, I have decided this relationship is simply not repairable.

2. Cable is my non-culinary equivalent to cheese, and they have been withholding cable from me for far too long. As I am sure you can imagine, this has not been going over well and my season 1 - 10 of Friends is wearing out. Install on Friday - thank the sweet Lord.

3. Big girls in the big city still need their mama. Luckily mine is coming this weekend to help decorate and to teach me how to use kitchen applicances other than the microwave and ingredients other than cheese and crackers now that I have a big kitchen all to myself.

4. Which reminds me - you don't have to label your food in the refrigerator or worry that someone is going to swipe or throw away your grub "by accident". You also get to use THE WHOLE FRIDGE. So when things expire, you have full permission to throw the repugnant item away. This is great news.

5. I want to equip my home with a taser since I am a newly single gal who should not be trusted with a real gun, but does not think a bat will do the trick. I am looking into it.

Something I also realized not-apartment related, is that I am a fabulous painter when taken step by step through the process, and guzzling wine. This process is very symbolic of my life right now - I am just painting step one as we speak, but I know the end result will be a masterpiece.

So yes - a lot of changes. But they are all blessings that are challenging me to grow and take life by the balls and forge ahead. And you best believe, that is exactly what I intend to do.

Vegas Vacation

My peeps. The Dion Family.

Woah.

I don't know where to begin. August has been such a crazy and awesome month. And by awesome I mean there where days that were great - like Weston's 25th birthday celebration - and days that were surreal - like winning a jackpot in Vegas - and days that flat out sucked - like spending last night cleaning out my toilet and a refrigerator that had not been disinfected in four years.

So as you can imagine I have been busy. I could write paragraphs monologuing my month, day by day. You would tune out, right about now, and go over to Thought Catalogue for an actually entertaining read. BUT STAY WITH ME. I promise. I'm only going to focus on the August highlights, starting with VEGAS!

Top 5 moments of the the real Las Vegas:

Surprise. We're related.

1. I changed my name to Jenny Dion. The show was amazeballs. Celine's voice is liquid gold. No, wait. Re-do. Her voice is like fondue - chocolate and/or cheese dipped in baguettes that when digested, turn into gold that enters your bloodstream and makes you a superhuman. Yes, she could sing word-of-the-day toilet paper and it would shake me to the core, but add in an orchestra, Stevie Wonder holograms, amazing gowns and a Vegas-style production and what you have left is a dream come true. With the exception of the cranky beotch who, within the first five minutes of the concert, screamed at me that she paid "$250 DOLLARS FOR THESE SEATS" and we better "SHUT UP!" So I said - "I'm sorry? Celine fans don't say shit like that beotch, and I paid $500 dollar for this seat (lie) so you got a deal - congrats. Enjoy the concert!"
[Confession: I didn't really say that. But that is what I WISH I had said upon further reflection].
I LOVE YOU CELINE. 

Me and Prince Harry partying it up.

2.Vegas is like Disney world for adults AND there are no open container laws. Aka, I am in love. We stayed at the Venetian Hotel in a luxurious suite over-looking the strip, sleeping above Italian inspired shopping, cuisine and a replica of Saint Mark's Square. The resorts in Vegas are simply out of this world extravagant from indoor waterfalls, to Rodeo-drive styled shopping malls to palace-like decor. We walked all up and down the strip of Sin City from buffet to buffet, working off our gluttonous behavior by dipping in and out of the casinos, riding roller-coasters, lounging poolside just feet away from Ryan Lochte and Prince Harry. And for all of those wondering - no I am not the woman in Prince Harry's pictures. No, I did not see his butt. No, I did not race Ryan Lochte in a pool.

I was too busy winning a Jackpot....

Cirque du Soleil's latest: Freak Show

3. On our last night I had $40 left to gamble after losing $200 playing craps and spending friggin $40 on two strawberry daiquiris poolside. (Let's just say I was not having the same luck I had in Tunica). So naturally, I put all of my money into a high limit slot machine, since I am clearly a high roller with luck on her side. I then did a max bet spending all of the cash in one spin. It was like I blacked out and lost all sense of the value of money. Well thank goodness I did because on that first spin I hit a jackpot for $1800 in the beautiful Wynn hotel (my absolute favorite). We were freaking out. I kept screaming - GET OUT MY MONEY! GET IT OUT! CASH OUT! CASH OUT! I dont want to lose it! MOM HOW DO I CASH OUT?!?! The machine is blaring the ring-aling sounds I believe you hear as you enter heaven, as the attendant walked over thinking - Oh God - this chick belongs in a circus. It was by far the most surreal moment watching the 18 hundred dollars bills be placed in my hand. So, yeah. I'm rich now. No big deal.

Every hour on the hour.

4. My wallet is not the only thing that came back heavier. Since I rarely have any culinary self-control in Nash Vegas, lord knows I had ZERO in the real Las Vegas. The food was absolutely amazing. Every meal we had was simply mouth-watering, and the atmosphere's were dream-like. My favorite meal had to be the Wicked Spoon buffet in the Cosmopolitan hotel - unreal. They had a gelato station with 16 different kinds of gelato. And the most amazing gnocchi. They had to ask me to leave, until they realized I was only still sitting there because I was so full, I literally couldn't walk out.

5. The best part was being able to spend real quality time with my crazy, wonderful, slightly dysfunctional and yet perfect family. It was the original four back in action and I loved every second (even when Lynn and I were fighting WW3 style over who would have the last bite of macaroni and cheese).

I took this. Aka I googled it. Besties at TAO.

Man. We didn't get a chance to talk about mine and Lynn's attempt to night-club where the Kardashion's go (we are just not made for that kind of "clubbing") or the Colbie Caillat concert on the beaches of Mandalay Bay OR the amazing drinks and dinner lake show at the GORGEOUS (want to live there forever) Wynn hotel. It was such an amazing trip and we have the best parents in the world to make it all happen.

That was only five days of August. We still have so much to talk about. I moved into a new apartment - I KNOW! And people are starting to think I'm cool at work - WOO! And I am going to podunk Alabama to help execute a Dollar General Grand Opening Event this weekend - Yay? We will discuss all of this next time, because you're over my life by now, and I get that.

Thank you for reading. You now have permission to go back to stalking someone on facebook.

Hug me.

Me.

I need a hug. I am not even sure why, I think sometimes people just need to be hugged at certain moments and right now, I am having one of those moments. But I'm new to this office, and I can't just go up to someone here and be like - hey, I'm having a moment, and I'd really like a hug. Because they'd be looking at me like I was bat sh*t cray. And I'm not down for getting the "touchy feely weird girl" reputation in my new digs. And I certainly don't want people thinking I am having some kind of fourth week breakdown, because that would probably not appear particularly professional.

Why do I need a hug, you ask? Well I had a psycho dream last night - the kind that makes you feel like someone might have slipped some acid into your lean cuisine. I woke up feeling really exhausted and emotional. And it was raining, but I went to the Ultimate Cardio class despite the rain and woofed my way through. And I'm here at work now, and well - I feel like I have been through a lot.

Maybe I should try giving myself a hug.
Just tried it. It was a nice arm and back stretch. Not really cutting it though.

You better not lose your voice betch.

Maybe I should think of happy things, in hopes of creating a mental hug.

Happy things.....

1. One week from today I am seeing my idol Celine Dion in LAS VEGAS. Holla.
2a. It's Friday, which is like foreplay for the weekend - sometimes even more exciting just anticipating the time off and knowing it is all ahead of you.
2b. It's BEER Friday at work, which means I might start happy hour a little early at the office.
3. The Chick-fi-A issue has simmered down and I don't have to feel like I am making some kind of political statement by craving waffle fries.
4.  It is only one hour until lunch time and I have three different kinds of cheese in my lunch box (wedge, string, slice). Cheese makes things really much better.

I'm creepy.

5. Babies. Babies are really happy. Even the ones that looks like little aliens. I just want to keep a baby in my pocket to hug on cue.
5b. I'm not having a baby. Always a good day when you wake up and you know you're not with child. (Let's not confuse pocket for womb).
6. It is Weston's birthday this week. I'm glad he was born. 
6b. Because that means I get to eat cake - as if I don't do that all the time working at an agency where it seems someone is born practically every day of the week and designers by day are master chefs at night whipping up homemade frosted fluffy desserts and then forcing me (by simply asking nicely) to eat a big honkin slice. Cake is happy.

Marry me.

7. I am going to happy hour tonight with my other boyfriend Louie, as in Bar Louie. Pretty obviously happy about that.
8. I pooped this morning.I googled to see if there is a statistical correlation. Then I felt weird for googling poop facts at work. Then I cleared my cache.
9. My workout for the day is over, which will probably just be cancelled out by all the cheese. Whatever, white girl problems. 
10. The book under my computer holding it up so I am not the hunchback all day is called "The Happiness Advantage." I mean, I haven't actually read it... maybe I should read an excerpt... eh, Veto.

Well that helped a little. Thanks internet. You're a true friend.

I'm basically an Olympic athlete.

As you all know, I love to eat. A lot. Particularly cheese. Therefore, in an effort to not blow up like a hippo (and not be constipated for the rest of my life) I must work out, and I have to do so in the mornings so that I don't miss happy hour after work - obviously.

With that being said, since starting my new job, I have had to completely up-route my gym routine from my beloved Maryland Farms YMCA amongst the rich soccer mom's and retirees of Brentwood, to the Downtown YMCA, amongst people I don't know, who are ripped and intimidating. TRAUMATIC CHANGE PEOPLE. It has been quite an adjustment, and I have been mentally pro / conning the experience in my head for the past three weeks. Some days I feel like I am cheating on my "first love" with a downtown rebel that excites me. Some days I want nothing more then to enter the oasis of the white plantation-house-looking country-club-style comfort zone and friendship of Maryland farms.

Time to make it real folks, and break this down for you:

Legend: 
MF = Maryland Farms
DT = Downtown
YMCA = Duh

MF YMCA things I miss: 
1. My locker room friends, especially my 75 year old Korean bff, Sunny who was there with me every single morning and cared more about my life than my mom does. That lady is an angel. Dear Sunny - I love you and your miraculously wrinkle-free face and sometimes hard to understand chatter. You are home to me.
2. The most amazing advanced sculpt class on Wed and Fri's at 7am with my Brazilian Goddess of an instructor (I think she was Brazilian - basically what I am getting at here is my fitness routine was a dose of diversity every morning and I liked it).
3. The balanced water pressure in the showers. Nothing like it.
4. The accessible, available and free parking.
5. The extended cable channels on the cardio machines - all the way up through Bravo so I could catch up on Real Housewives. 

MF YMCA things I don't miss:
1. Running into the CEO of my company every morning. It's not personal, but any gym run-in with the boss-man pre-6am is awkward.
2. That sculpt class was a love / hate, so this is the part where I admit, it's been a nice departure from the Brazilian intensity.
3. Having to grab a towel as you walk in the building and carry it around with you all morning because there is no access to them in the locker room. If you strip down in habit, and suddenly realize you forgot a towel - you have to re-clothe, or decide to flash the world and air-dry.
4. Having to always drive by the open "only for senior citizens and mommy's " parking spots just because I wasn't special enough to be with-child or old.
5. Smelling the in-house Subway bread baking in the morning while I am trying to work out. Rude. Bake that crap somewhere else.

DT YMCA things I love:
1. The cardio machines overlook the Nashville skyline. Endorphins skyrocket as my workout playlist (featuring songs from High School Musical) blares in my ears and I overlook my city with pride.
2. They keep the towels in the locker-room - novel idea, eh?
3. They have foaming body wash that rocks. It's really foamy.
4. They have closed door, spacious changing rooms, that are never full. I can spread out my stuff, not be in anyone's way, and not flash the world while changing (not. pretty).
5. They do have some different and challenging group exercise classes like ultimate cardio and awesome abs that have changed up and invigorated my routine.

DT YMCA things I don't love - at all: 
1. When the sun is rising over the Nashville skyline in the mornings, the cardio machine becomes a blinding, hot, torture chamber.
2. The towels may be in the locker room, but they are paper thin and super scratchy, which probably explains why they don't hoard them like precious gold or care if people steal them. I prefer to exfoliate with a lofa in the privacy of my personal shower - not with my towel in a public space. But, it beats air-drying.
3. They do not provide any lotion, shampoo, or other items I sometimes forget, causing me to ask complete strangers for reinforcements, which only further reminds me I have no locker room friends. SLASH - the water pressure is violent and blows the shampoo out of my hair before it even has time to penetrate. I end up peaking my head outside of the shower to lather the soap. I'm THAT girl.
4.  The parking situation sucks and I got a ticket for being literally 12 minutes over the meter last week. Let's discuss this in greater detail - It was  8:12am and I see this flashing cart up ahead, too close to my Bella for comfort. I break out into a Rocky-style run, flailing my arms - "WAAAIIITTTT.... I'M RIIIGHTTT HERE!!!" and she has the audacity to say "Its already written honey, can't do a thing about it."  And hands me the scribbled ticket
Dear Parking Lady: DON'T "HONEY" ME WHEN YOU HAVE CRAPPY NEWS BEOTCH.
(You can pay an extra 8 bucks a month for parking on top of the membership fee, but I refuse when I am going to live super close in no time, and might even just walk there in the mornings... maybe.. maybe not. I am still debating the decision). 
5. The classes that have been "invigorating" my routine start at 6:15am, when I am barely functioning. Dear Instructor: I will do 25 burpies, when you start having classes at 7am. I'm about to burpie (aka throw up) on your face.

Happy exercising-so-you-can-binge-eat-and-feel-justified / poop, friends!

We all can't be as prepared as Dora.

Lucky bitch.

I am coming up on the completion of my third week at my new job at BOHAN (I capitalize it because that is how they do things here, and I'm trying to fit in and "be cool"). And I'm alive, so that is great news, right?

Let's talk about new starts. I will be honest - beginning a new adventures is scary. I mean - we can't all be like Dora and be bi-lingual and have pet monkey friends and talking maps and wear the same thing every day. In real life, things take time to settle-in and adjust before it starts to feel real and rewarding and right. I'm sure you can relate - the first day of school usually bites despite the fact you picked out a new outfit from Limited Too. The first day back at the gym after a long hiatus - pretty painful. The first day of your period is always rough - yep, I went there. Your first time.... okay I'm going to stop now. This is getting inappropriate.

The point is, beginnings and uncharted territory is not always my favorite, because it puts you in a very vulnerable state. Time to sink or swim.

However, despite my aversion to change, overall things are going really well. I have settled into a new gym routine (catch up with me tomorrow for those highlights), I absolutely love my office, the location and the people are great. I am learning a lot and adjusting. And of course - participating in "Beer Fridays" which is a lot of fun. Great company culture here! My client account is also very interesting - but wow. I have a lot to learn.

But of course in true fashion, the past few weeks have also had its moments where I thought to myself - happy hour is about to be real kinds of happy tonight.

Here are some of those moments in no particular order:

Repeat Offender.

1. Picking out the "first day" outfit is always a thoughtful process. You want to make sure you don't look too overdressed and stick out like a sore "new" thumb. But you also of course want to look professional and put-together. So naturally, I went to my favorite default blue dress - a great happy medium in my favorite hue. The only problem - I realized mid-day that I wore that exact same dress to my final interview, down to the accessories. Us Weekly would not have approved.

2. I am a friendly girl and want to make sure I introduce myself and make friends. I have never worked at such a large company, and so I knew I had some ground to cover over time. However, at some points.. let's just say I was a bit too thorough.

Kitchen run-in scenario:
(Notice new person lurking by the coffee)
Jenny: (big smile) Oh hi, I'm Jenny - the new girl! (giggle giggle, feel out the hand shake, strong eye contact)
Co-Worker: Yeah, I know - we met yesterday.
Jenny: (giggle, giggle, ABORT SITUATION, stare deeper into their eyes to make name / face recognition stick, come up with something witty to say, settle on:) Oh of course. Well have a great day (repeat name and commit it to memory. Leave quickly).  
[Awesome].

3. I came to BOHAN from a technology agency. I like to think I am savvy and pretty technologically skilled. Well the color printer decided to take that notion and shove it up my ass. On my second day, my boss comes in and asks me to print off copies of a report at the color printer upstairs. Easy enough. I got this. He's gonna think I'm awesome when he sees how efficiently I respond to tasks.... (because printing is impressive?! I don't know... delusional first-week thinking).

So, I immediately pull up the report and press print. I am wearing four inch heels and feel my calves talk to me as I climb up the stairs. There is an elevator, but the stairs are right outside my office and I'm super athletic. I got this. I arrive. The report is not there. I go back down. I make sure everything is selected correctly, and I press print again. I walk back up the stairs. Not there. I come back down. I call the tech guy. He comes down. Repeat previous scenario about 10 times. I kid you not. I had an inexplicable rage for the "random" printer behavior.

Fear not friends, overall, I am really enjoying my position, the account, and the team. And even the printer has come around. 

Love-child's Daddy Found!

I am going to slide this into my work day while I still can because things have been picking up more each day as I get caught up to speed at my new gig. Therefore, all of those wonderful Jenny updates I promised with those intriguing headlines might be a bit delayed until I get my head above water. Forgive me. I know you are so utterly disappointed.

HOWEVER - my final Bachelorette update cannot be put off any longer, especially since water cooler topic has already shifted to the outrageous antics of Bachelor Pad - which yes, I will be watching, but not blogging about simply because, as previously discussed I want to focus a little more on my life, and I probably won't even have time to do that.

Titantic style tears - but at least I knew that ship was gonna sink.

Last night was the final conclusion of one of my favorite seasons of the Bachelorette and as we know by now, Emily picked Jef with one "F" as her main squeeze for life - or until the tabloids rip them apart. I do believe they have something special. Even just seeing how radically different Jef is from puppet Brad is refreshing and promising. And I do think that Emily made the right choice. But did I anticipate the heartbreaking tear-jerking rape-the-tissue-box goodbye that we had to endure when Emily let Arie go - No friends. I did not. I knew whoever she dumped would be hurt - but to see how blindsided Arie was and to watch him make that damn love potion with that random villager, completely unaware that his hopes and dreams were about to be obliterated - it all just tore me up.

Were you once a man?

Despite promises to have the most shocking ending to any season (even though this pretty much mimicked Bachelorette Ali's decision to let Chris go before the rose ceremony when she knew she was choosing Roberto) we all knew something was up just based on the way this episode was structured. They breezed right through "Meet the Maynards", which was certainly entertaining - from Mama Maynard's little red riding hood wardrobe, botoxed smile and strangely low tranny-voice, to Emily's protective older brother barely cracking a smile at all, it was an overall hoot. And let's not forget the epic goodbyes in which both men kissed Emily and walked off down an unending road into the abyss, in opposite directions - just TV magic.

The American Dream: Removing crusty cheese from a stuffed animal

But then suddenly, it was the Jef and Emily show. After every commercial break, the date just kept on going. From the fact she introduced Jef to little Ricki to her extremely leading voice-overs during which she kept saying that Jef is the only one for her - she either was picking Jef or she was about to have a hell of a lot of explaining to do to Arie during After the Final Rose. Jef, Emily and little Ricki do make a sweet family - Jef appears good with children poolside. Ricki definitely is a bashful little nugget who has a hard time forming sentences (clearly neglecting her flashcards while feeding her monkey Cheetos) - but overall I think this could work.

Then it was Arie's "date" during which we wondered how love potion smells and balled our eyes out - we already talked about this trauma. No need to go back to that dark place.

In the end, Emily and Jef had a lovely village square engagement in which Jef recited hallmark cards, Emily swooned, Neil Lane got his ABC product placement, and boom - dreams came true.

I am truly sad this season is over as it was the crack that got me through the most painful work day of the week. Yes, we do now have Bachelor Pad, but it's just not the same. I am a romantic who craves over-produced reality tv show fantasy romance. I don't find nearly as much joy in watching the B-list drunk six packs and fake boobs back-stab each other poolside in an LA mansion when an engagement that has a 95% chance of not working out long term is not on the line.

It's been fun friends :) I will now enter my mourning period until Bachelor Sean's (fingers crossed) season unfolds.