Make-outs and Jenny, equally in demand

So much truth happening.

Okay, you guys, we have to make this speedy because here is the situation. In addition to my freelance writing gig and having a big-girl full-time job, I have also been cast in a community theater musical which now rehearses every night until the end of time (aka this musical has already made me more dramatic than usual and I really just mean until the end of July which = the end of Bachelorette season).

I tried to tell the directors that I have a weekly conflict on Mondays from 7 - 9pm for a corporation called ABC, and they did not seem to think that merited my absence. That said, when I get home from rehearsal at 10pm, I feel this immense amount of pressure to join you all in your knowledge of the latest happenings in Andi's quest to find love by watching the episode, taking notes, waking up tired and trying to slip in time to write my update during a full-on work day (since after work I have my freelance writing and rehearsal all over again). It is tough being this in-demand (see what I mean about dramatic?!). Time is slipping away from me and I have just wasted ten minutes of it explaining this all to you, but I feel like you have a right to know why this update might have typos, tense changes and be drab and lackluster.

Now it is back on track with Andi and her quest to find the person that pisses her off the least often...

We start the episode in Venice, Italy - Andi has been here before, it is super duper romantic, the most romantic city in all the world, yadda yadda yadda. The guys show up and Andi announces the first one-on-one date is with Nick because she has a ton of jeopardy-style questions to get cleared up from him in between their gondola-riding face-sucking adventure date.

Monkey-man, Cody, is devastated he does not get the one-on-one since he is the only guy so far who has not had a chance to win Andi over in a more intimate setting (likely because there has never been chemistry between them and he has made it this far simply because his teddy bear heart mixed with his steroid-induced outbursts are entertaining to the producers). We watch his muscles flex as he stews in his black tank top over being the "odd duck out." Little does he know, he is not a duck. He is a monkey.

Something about being in the most romantic city in the world with Nick makes all of those hard-pressing questions melt away. As the guys astutely mention, if she really wanted to get questions answered instead of get her mack-on she would have saved Nick for the lie-detector group date. Or better yet, she could have saved him for a one-on-one date Juan-Pablo-style in the muddy jungles of Vietnam. But as per usual, she picks the most romantic setting to "test the waters" - leading with her hoohah yet again. She feels so much better about Nick and his intentions now that he has used his tongue as a weapon of mass destruction on her doubt, fears and concerns.

Side note - did they color correct the water? It looked like we were in Fiji....

Nick and Andi then have a Mascaraed-inspired feast in which Nick "unmasks" his feelings for Andi when she lays down her gavel and asks some tough questions like "it might sound shallow, but I like it when people like the guy I like, so why don't people like you?!". She really has the emotional probing down to a science...  Nick is taken aback by the additional questioning thinking he dodged the bullet by depriving Andi of oxygen on the gondola ride. As a last resort, he plays the victim card claiming his feeling were equally hurt in the altercation with the other guys. Andi purses her lips like a constipated duck while listening and holds him like a small child and they dance the night away, falling more and more in love. If you ask me, there is nothing that charming or interesting about Nick. He must be a grade-a kisser, because otherwise he just seems like a boring and slightly manipulative guy who could use invisalign.

Dear Josh: just stop talking and offer me your scarf.

On the group date with Marcus, Dylan, Josh, Chris, JJ (who has gotten so little face time I forgot he was still on the show), and Brian, two Italian (mobsters, actors and/or villagers off the street) administer a lie detector test. Josh gets his briefs in a bunch over the fact Andi feels the need to test the trust she has built with these men during a 12-week reality television show dating experience. How ever could she have doubts?! Doth protest too much Josh?! He is as fussy and emotional as a preteen girl and the combination of his Miley Cyrus attitude with Andi's spitfire bitch wall that flies up whenever something goes less than daisies and cupcakes is not a good mix. It would be hot in the bedroom but a complete disaster in life. The bottom line is - if you can't get along in the fairy tale bubble that is Bachelorette world, than you are absolutely doomed once this all ends.  

In other news, Dylan has a tummy ache and needs to go home?! That was bizarre and never explained, but with the monkey and the pantseprenuer still in the running, better now than next week to call in sick. Meanwhile, Chris completely over-dramatizes his admission that he is the secret admirer, making us all believe the farmer from Iowa actually has a real secret - Chris, it is not like you admitted to having half a lady part. You need to calm yourself down.
 
As for the lie detector test, Andi rips up the results despite finding out that most of the men lied. The whole thing was a waste of time and certainly didn't bring any of her relationships with the men further along. The guys had more intimate conversations with two Italian mobsters than they did with Andi.

Cut to a suana where Cody and Nick sweat and brood together.... I mean... what?!

At the cocktail party for the group date Andi is wearing zero clothes and the guys have scarves on as if they are in Harry Potter. Brian steps up to get some kisses in with Andi, and continues to pat himself on the back for being a big boy in the one-on-one department. But the secret admirer, Chris (Iowa farmer, not Harrison as I predicted, sadly), gets the rose. Marcus doesn't get a lot of face-time but just enough to say "I love love love love love you" to Andi, which is starting to feel over-zealous given what we have seen as viewers as a slow-moving progression. JJ's one-on-one time is not even shown, but his cranky outburst over not being happy for the other guys shining moments was a real winner... JJ and Josh both need to go eat some ice cream, turn on The Notebook and cry it out. Everything is going to be okay. 

Cody: Forget Verona. Are those shorts or a skirt?! Mind. Blown.

Cody gets the final one-on-one (finally) and I will admit, he truly has a sweet heart when he isn't getting up in people's faces. They explore Verona and the producers set up a very cheesy letter writing session, but all you really need to know here is that Andi's fashion was just as much of a fail with that powder pink skort and gray turtle-neck sweater as the one-on-one time with Cody. While he is straight-up professing his love in a 20-minute monolgue over dinner, she is slowly breaking down, tears welling up, constipated looks of fear flashing through her face. He notices NONE of this and continues to drone on about how much she is going to continue to fall for him, until she abruptly and quite agressively stops him and lists all the reasons why this isn't going to work. LADY. HAVE SOME COMPASSION. YOUR EYES ARE CRYING BUT YOUR MOUTH IS SPEWING OFF DOO DOO. She seriously needs to work on her delivery of emotion. Every time this chick tries to explain how she feels her tone becomes slightly enraged. Poor odd duck out is now being berated as he is being rejected. Rough life.

At the cocktail party Nick steps up right away to whisk Andi off to another make-out session.
All the other guys start fighting about how Nick, who has a rose, is so totally selfish for making the first move when poor Dylan who went home with a tummy ache has had zero one-on-one time with Andi beyond their train ride sob fest. Andi spends some time with the other guys but the one clip of Andi's face as JJ leans in for a smooch is all we need to see to know he is OUT. With Cody gone, there is only one guy to get the ax at the rose ceremony, and JJ is the obvious choice - especially after Brian busts out an award-winning poem called "10 Things I Hate About You." Um... Brian - you do know the audience that watches this show also watches every Heath Ledger movie ever made, right?! Bad move Bri... we're not nearly as impressed as Andi (who overlooked it for now since you are a better kisser than JJ).

PS - since when did the Bachelorette become a Shakespeare competition? These guys are busting out the romantic cliches in the secret admirer's shadow and it's becoming embarrassing... lets just put the feather and ink down, and be normal men. 

JJ makes the shock and awe exit we all see coming and we sigh relief that we no longer have to endure the brother-sister smooch sessions - even if they are on a ferris wheel overlooking a gorgeous city.

Next week is when things really get interesting in this journey - Dylan is definitely out next week because that hometown date would be super duper depressing and their connection is definitely lacking. After that, Josh will be soon to go too since Andi is starting to get twinged by his bizarrely douchey personality (the only way he has a fighting chance is if he starts kissing more, and talking less). Until next week friends!!!

I might be the voice of a generation...

I have decided just now over a strong cup of coffee, that I am super overwhelmed by all the things I need to learn before I turn 30 (which is my personal benchmark for accepting I am an adult).

It's a rough life being a millennial who is neurologically wired to dismiss the importance of investing time to learn how to #survive as an adult.

This led to a caffeinated epiphany that I am probably not the only one who feels this way. Therefore, I should probably be the answer to all of our problems. So, I have decided I am going to write a book explaining all the shit we don't want to take the time to learn in dumb-downed terms that millennials like me are sure to #like.

Here is how I see this going:

Title: How To Use Your Brain to Make Good Life Choices (and other novel concepts for the millennial generation). 

Chapter 1:  How to read things that are longer than 140 characters - since TLDR (too long didn't read) won't get you very far in life and I must equip my readers with this skill so they make it to Chapter 2. 

Chapter 2: How to make it rain - breaking down the basics of negotiating salary, a 401k, the stock exchange, loans, life insurance and tips to convince your parents that staying on their cell phone family plan until the end of time actually makes most fiscal sense for all parties.

Chapter 3: How to find a roof - what you need to know to get out of your parents house and pay your rent while simultaneously saving for a down-payment on a home (aka. how to win the lottery). Then, how to buy said home, take care of it, landscape it, and be your own landlord (since this is likely to be a brutal wake-up call).

Chapter 4: How to fix a flat tire among other automotive essentials - this will include how to check your oil, drive like a sane person, detach your hand from your phone and onto the wheel and not get robbed by a body shop. 

Chapter 5: How to break up with your first love - since they are very likely not "the one" and trying to make them "the one" is like settling for a lifetime of fat free cheese. Not interested.

Let's pray they read Ch. 6

Chapter 6: How to get a pre-nup - not to poo poo on your fairy tale, but marriage is a contract and half of you won't make it. Don't be stupid.

Chapter 7: How to get out of the job you thought you wanted - since now that you're all grown up you basically hate it.

Chapter 8: How to leave a voicemail - since this task, among other social "norms", has fallen down the black hole of technology and is now considered public speaking.

Chapter 9: How to combat FOMO (fear of missing out) and embrace boredom - since our multitasking life has created a frenetic addiction to constant stimulation and therefore the idea of doing nothing or being left out is terrifying. A sub-section of this chapter will feature tips on how to hang out with the person you are actually hanging out with, instead of the network of people on your phone.

Chapter 10: How to care about things that matter (including your emotional well-being) - like saving the planet, voting for strong leaders (and not just polarizing social issues), and for fun, I will throw in methods to survive a zombie apocalypse since I think we find that more interesting than being green. Also how to google "local therapist" since we could all use a little emotional stability outside the confines of Facebook likes.

Yeah - it is now for certain. I am copyrighting this idea immediately. Mom - you wanna help ghost write? 

It's not easy being green

Everyone. Panic.

On this week's episode of The Muppets...um, I mean the Bachelorette .....we learn a lot of lessons about the pain stereotyping can cause. From sweet Marquel crying his eyes out over Andrew's supposed racist comments to Josh feeling black-listed for being a hot athlete (must be tough, Josh, must be tough) - the whole episode is a struggle as we watch these guys fight to break free from the stigma of labels to let their true colors shine. Ironically, this all takes place in Southern France, where just being American is a hardship in itself.

Jim Henson, I mean - Chris Harrison - shows up in an ill-advised turtleneck sweater in a cafe in Marseille to debrief with Andi about where things stand with the remaining men. Andi rocks a pleather skirt pulled out of the Spice Girl's closet (another ill-advised choice) and teaches us that everyone deserves love, even if that means falling in love with multiple people and then breaking their hearts as you narrow down the hunt.

Woe is me - I just can't stop attracting these hot athletes...

Josh gets the first one-on-one date and the card is in French, so naturally, no one knows what it says. Google translate apparently didn't pay enough money to get a plug. Josh's translation -  "my loins are burning for you" and he behaves accordingly. Once on the date, their chemistry is undeniable so they proceed to make out the entire time. Ironically, they come up for air to conduct interviews during which Andi expresses her concern that Josh's hotness is hindering her ability to lock it up and get some deeper real talk accomplished. Cut back to her literally drooling over him, licking his face and eating out of his hand. Looks like we need a lesson on practice what you preach. The two lovebirds canoodle like Jack and Rose on the stern of a sailboat, have an elegant dinner at a castle, and decide that they are magically delicious together even though the majority of their time is spent sucking face or defending Andi's concerns that Josh is just a bad-boy-cheating-athlete dipped in a candy-coated shell.

Cut to the cookie monster, I mean Marquel who is very sad when he hears from JJ (the pantseprenuer pot-stirrer) that Andrew might have called him "blackie" the night of the first rose ceremony. Naturally the producers induce this emotional breakdown with alcohol and footage from 12 Years A Slave. I will say - Marquel has the sweetest heart, but the entire "incident" was over dramatized and unnecessary. JJ should not have said anything and Marquel should have chalked it up to ignorance and refocused on Andi.

All the men are feeling so judged and hurt and vulnerable. Cut to commercial.
 

So many deep connections forming.

On the group date, where it is even more critical to talk with each of the guys to ensure the relationships are moving forward, Andi challenges them to a miming competition.... what?! Marquel wears a really loud and flamboyant shirt to express the anguish his soul is feeling on the inside. Dylan is completely in his comfort zone since talking, laughing and having a distinct personality is not his forte anyways. And the "entire nation" of France gets to witness Americans mock an iconic art form in the middle of the square. True love is building you guys, can't you tell? Andi is so impressed that most of the guys are stepping it up - it is truly reassuring to know that "in these situations" the guys can handle themselves. I am so glad we can check "willing to mime in France" off the true love check list.

At the cocktail party the guys forget to take their midol with their tequila shots and in turn, shit gets real. While Andi and JJ ride a ferris wheel and exchange brother to sister like pecks over the city lights, Cody flares his muscles at Nick, who gives a half-hearted apology for making fun of his "thankfulness" for being cast on the show. Meanwhile, the charming and stoic Marquel beautifully approaches Andrew about the "comment" that was "made" about the color of his skin.

In case you were wondering, Andi is no idiot, you guys. She can "feel the tension." You can tell the lawyer in her LOVES the drama and she uses all of her one-on-one time with the guys to cross examine instead of focus on her relationship with each man. Nick is on the chopping block since the guys are not impressed with his salty demeanor. To object to the fact that he is a prick, he reads Andi a poem. It doesn't rhyme, so I am not impressed. But Andi immediately melts because "Nick sees inside her soul." Correction - the seventh glass of wine you drank just traveled inside your brain.

And then ABC CUTS OUT and we are left to wonder who gets the rose on the group date (turns out it was JJ who took her on a ferris wheel while the other boys where having tantrums).

My resting face in the kitchen

 The last one-on-one date is with sweet Brian who has grown on me over the past few episodes. The date starts off by putting the two in a dark room and forcing them to watch a Dreamworks movie. Branded entertainment at its best. After snuggling during the movie (which had to be super uncomfortable - just sitting there with cameras watching you watch a movie?! AWKWARD) Andi and Brian did totally normal, everyday things. Helicopters and castles are great and all, but shopping in a market in Southern France is way more of an "everyday" activity for Andi, which brings this all back to reality.

But the mood is squashed when Brian freaks out that he has to cook frog legs in the kitchen with Andi. He comes off as apathetic and cold when he is probably just trying to keep from puking. He warms up when they ditch the dinner for a French restaurant - aka his balls crawl back out of his crotch where they were hiding from the disgusting food. She gives him the rose and then quotes a Thompson Square song - he is encouraged and proceeds to suck her face to prove his manhood.

Onto the rose ceremony. Andi sports Queen Elsa's braid from Frozen and declares that she is letting go of cocktail parties. The guys are about to freakin lose it. Everyone. Panic. Andi already knows exactly what she needs to do and she is super serious about doing it as dramatically as possible. As she plucks each rose from the tray and holds it out five inches from her nose like a robot, the men slowly start to pee their pants. Josh, Brian and JJ all have roses. The first man called is Marcus, who I enjoy. Then Nick, Chris, Dylan, and finally CODY....WHAT?!?!?!! INSTEAD OF SWEET CHOCOLATEY HEART OF GOLD MARQUEL YOU PICK THE ROIDED UP MONKEY MAN?!?!?!? Panic sweeps my living room.

We all agree Marquel should be the next Bachelor. He was so eloquent and mature in his exit saying that Andi just wasn't in God's plan but that this adventure helped him feel again. I was waiting for the One Republic song to sing us out... sadly, no dice.

Side note: WHO IS THIS SECRET ADMIRER?! I bet it is Chris Harrison which will make for the most dramatic finale rose ceremony EVER. 

Secondary side note: Bachelor In Paradise is going to be INSANITY. And I cannot wait.

So many things....

Wow. So many things happening in Bachelorette world this week. In the interest of time, here is what you need to know:

Episode 1: 

•  We are done hanging out in lowly LA - Andi has completely out-grown that city. Instead we are moving her to the Bacara Resort and Spa in Santa Barbara so she can be more comfortable and so ABC can fund craft service.
• Nick and Andi have the first one-on-one date. The chemistry is definitely there. But I think

  

  Call 1-800 Dentist Today

  their baby would need some dental work. They had a completely "normal" first date date biking, rock climbing, watching sunsets in Santa Barbara- totally normal. Not at all spectacular.
• Douche bag and hairy chest (Andrew and Marcus) have a half-naked bro-versation about whether or not Nick is going to come home with a rose to which they conclude, they aren't sure. Compelling predictions, guys. 
• As Nick and Andi finish up their date we have determined that at 27-years-old, Nick thought he was too cool for school, but now he is older and wiser, which is precisely why Mandy Moore's 90's single "Crush"is his theme song. They are philosophically on the same page, which after a few glasses of wine, is hard for Andi to communicate. None-the-less, Nick gets the rose.
• The group date is a sing-along with Boyz II Men - all you need to know is that this is a musical holocaust. Every guy is tone deaf except for the opera singer Bradley who, bless his heart, tries way too hard to out-perform the other guys with his vibrtao. Josh M gets the rose because despite the fact he forgot the words to the song he did not forget to bring his swagger and his tongue to the dinner party.
• JJ, the pantseprenuer, gets the final one-on-one date with Andi. After transforming into old

  

  Am I on drugs?

  people, they prance around a park, talk like they have emphysema, drive around on scooters laughing the day away, convinced this is exactly what life will be like with each other when they are 80-years-old. HUH?! Aka - there is acid in their fake wrinkles. 
• JJ gets a rose after opening up to a seemingly disinterested and/or drunk Andi about being a bullied dork in school who is now just trying to find his way in the world one eccentric pair of pants at a time. He is a great sport on the date, seems to have a good heart and good intentions, but he (much like his old man pants) comes up short.
• Ron exits unexpectedly because of a death in the family. Very sad. Andi's speech starting the cocktail hour is lacking sincerity. I think the attorney in her prevents any softness when delivering information under stress (which we saw even more so at the end of episode two...).
• During the cocktail party Eric gets cock-blocked by a vase of flowers the producers time perfectly to arrive during their chat. I feel so bad for him - you can tell he is trying so hard to break through with her, and it is just not happening. 
• There is drama about Andrew being here for the right reasons. JJ and Josh stir the pot with nothing to lose adorning their roses, accusing Andrew of taking a girls number a few weeks back. There is one thing you don't mess with on this show, and that is being here for the RIGHT REASONS. You tamper with this and tongue guy and pants man are going to come getcha. 
• This is the part in the season where it becomes the hunger games - every man for himself. No - you are not in fact not "all in this together" - this is not High School Musical. Alliances are forming, testosterone is increasing in heavy doses. Basically this is the stage in the show when every contestant goes through puberty. 
• We have cut down on using the word "stooooooop" but now "y'all" is being abused and it's not okay.
• Hair dresser and opera boy are gone. Opera singer is having a hard time - I am sure he will find a sweet soprano some day.

Not the same situation, Andrew. Not the same.

Episode 2:

Totally a gryffindor.

• We are in Connecticut at the Mohegan Sun resort as the first stop in the tour around the world.... interesting selection. I was expecting North Korea after the series of places selected for Juan Pablo's adventure. 
• 14 guys are left and Dylan gets the first one-on-one date. They hop aboard a train, which brings back a ton of memories from Dylan's childhood growing up in New England. This creates a heavy tension between them as he keeps buried the story of his tragic past. We are supposed to be on a train to Hogwarts and instead, we are on a train to hell.
• Dylan finally opens up about his sibling's lost battle with drug addition. Such a devestating story. It is taking everything in me not to reach through the TV and give him a hug. We finally see an authentically soft side of Andi in response. He gets the rose, but unfortunately, I do not think he will be around much longer. He is very sweet and super hot, but he isn't showing her his true personality and unfortunately, this is not a show for slow-walking.
• The group date is at the basketball court where WNBA players whip the guys butts and Coach Brian shines. The guys get competitive and the winning team gets the dinner party. The losers sulk. Been here, done this.. over it. 
• The real highlight here is JJ's outfit - he is wearing the most bizarre get-up ever... letting his

  

  JJ - you look like you just left the asylum.

  inner-dork shine. I suppose, I can dig his individuality... but at least lose the beanie for God's sake. You are not in the Zac Brown Band.
• At the dinner party the Rosebud team consisting of Marquel, Brian, Josh, Nick, and Eric all get alone time with Andi. 
• Nick and Andi find a very dark corner to snuggle in. Cameras panic to catch more than just awkward kissing noises. 
• Andi and Eric can't seem to connect, yet again. Not sure what it is between these two kids that isn't clicking. He is my favorite. NO. It is not because I feel sad that he passed away. It is not because his name is only one letter off from my man, it is just that he rocks and I think she has weird taste in men for not liking him.
• Speaking of which, her hoohah is shooting fireworks for Brian as he makes a half-court shot during their one-on-one time. He chickens out and doesn't kiss her, even though she was literally leaning in begging for it. He finally kisses her at the cocktail party and she is elated... I just don't get it. Andi - you're into him and not into MR. WORLD EXPLORER...?! I mean... come on. I get that he can shoot hoops.. but did he give you dolls from Africa upon his arrival?! I didn't think so. 
• Marcus and Andi have their first one-on-one date the next day. This is the classic leap of faith date and I am already bored. Until Marcus, despite his own phobia of heights, totally mans up as he talks Andi through every step of repelling down the building. I am going to hyperventilate just watching them sway along in the New England wind, so it was a genuinely sweet moment when they landed on two feet and conquered their fear together. This is likely the only time in Bachelor history the leap of faith date and the metaphors swirling around it don't make me want to throw up. I really like them together. He gets a rose and confesses he is falling in love with Andi. Marcus is now my favorite (given the situation to come).

Okay now it is time for some REAL TALK. This whole Eric situation is a hot mess. During his and Andi's final one-on-one time at the cocktail party, in an act of desperation to connect and cut through the crap, Eric ends up pushing Andi's bitch button and the whole thing gets blown WAY out of proportion. I would agree it was not the most tactful thing in the world to call her out on not being genuine all the time. Suddenly the word "acting" took on the Juan Pablo "okay" trigger and she was just done. It is a unique situation and he should have had a bit more grace for the pressure she is facing. There were so many other ways he could have cut through their distance - for instance - just freakin KISS HER - but instead his word choice was all wrong and once he sparked her defense, it was a full on forest fire. She sent him home without giving herself a chance to cool off, or him the opportunity to explain.

Then - BREAKING NEWS - we cut to some bizarre interview between Chris and Andi that is supposed to memorialize Eric, as that was his last scene on the show, and we all know he passed away from a tragic accident a few weeks later. This whole set-up came off weird and inappropriate to me. We should have been interviewing his family and true friends, not some chick who knew him for four weeks, and just exploded emotional diarrhea on him as she kicked him to the curb. I would have much rather cried my eyes out to a sweet video montage of his life than hear Andi pull out her attorney front in what was meant to be a heart felt interview... it was just weird.

Am I right?! Yes. That monkey is from the musical Wicked.

I went to bed very sad. This season is interesting, but I have hope for Marcus. He is now my front runner and he better not let me down or I am going to have to write a strongly worded letter to someone to make me feel better. Speaking of letters - who was the secret admirer letter from?! I guess we will never know!

We will also never get to see Tasos's exit. That came as a surprise...  I will never understand how Cody the monkey is still in this... but hopefully next week will start to bridge some gaps. Until then friends!

just STOOOOP with all the second-hand embarrassment

I am not going to lie, I have been struggling a bit with this season for a few reasons: 

1. The normal factor: Andi is pretty normal so far. There is really not much to say about her other than the fact I wish she would stop saying STOOOOP to everything and that those little spaces in her teeth didn't exist - but let's get real, that's just plain nit-picky. She can be dramatic, but it is a reality show and I have to commend her for at least engaging the guys in real conversation - we are not used to that so early on, and it is quite refreshing.

He is so handsome... they need to STOOOP torturing us

2. The ghost factor: Eric is by far my top contender and it is seriously gut-wrenching and heart breaking for me to listen to his dreams of a family knowing none of those dreams got to come true. He is so charming and authentic, and for how good looking and well-traveled he is, he isn't the least bit conceited. While I understand that ABC wants to honor his contribution to the show, it is hard to watch such a seemingly great guy start a romantic journey, knowing that he was tragically taken too soon.

3. The closet factor: I am having a hard time believing that some of these guys actually like women... yes, I mean as opposed to men. Lot's of weird vibes being passed around this season. Call it bromantic if you'd like... but I'm calling it a little gay.

At this point, there are 19 guys left (10 of which bat for the other team) and an enthusiastic Andi is super excited to start dating these guys and learn all about them. Guess who else is excited to learn more - ME! Turns out after catching up on the first half hour of the premiere, we missed NOTHING. The guys background stories were cut out of the season entirely. Weird decision, ABC. I would have much rather watched some cheesy b-roll of dudes in their "natural habitat" than see Grandpapa LL Cool J try to arrest party crasher Chris. Anywho, I digress.

HIGHLIGHT REEL:

• Chris Harrison tries to bring back the phrase "wassup fellas" and in turn, needs to do a skin check. 
• Eric gets the first one-on-one date and charms us all as he and Andi fly kites on the beach and later snowboard down Bear mountain - climate change brought to you by helicopter. 
• They are greeted by a snowboarder, who slowly takes off his helmet to reveal he is someone famous in the snowboard world (I don't feel like googling). I was secretly hoping it was going to be Chris Harrison with a rose... hah.
• Eric and Andi are very cute together and we learn a lot about Eric on this date. See the ghost factor above for how I feel about all this. I was very surprised they didn't kiss, unless they did and the editors cut it out, which is possible given the sensitivity to the circumstance.
• DeAnna Pappas dropped in for a horribly-acted product placement for Suave. Tons of second-hand embarrassment ensues.
• Andi had fun with Eric but she really missed the 14 other guys she has only known for two minutes a piece, so instead of spending any real quality time with them, she is instead going to get to know them better by sending them off to learn how to become strippers for charity.
• Cody is so roided up it's gross to watch. He may not be into boys per se, but he loves himself more than he could ever love another. 
• Craig unleashes his "personality" which includes stuffing his pants with a sock and literally

  

  "Oh heyyy!" Exhibit A. Need I say more?

  obsessing over Josh M's hot body.
• Chris Harrison just spanked a guys ass.... is everyone turning gay?! WHAT IS IN THE VODKA THIS SEASON?!
• Marcus stands out as a real sweetheart - humble, yet willing to put himself out there and have fun. Andi is on the same page with my assessment and gives him the rose. 
• The after party took Craig's crotch-stuffing to the next level. He drowns his sorrows with the entire contents of an ABC store in an attempt to reconcile the fact he signed up for this show thinking Andi was short for Andrew. 
• Andi, likely coaxed by the producers, takes the Craig chaos and blows it out into some sweeping concern that these guys aren't here for the right reason. This show's formula is getting so transparent. It was one dude who you never even liked from the beginning because you know, just as we do, that he is more attracted to Josh than he is to you. Stop milking it as if you discovered all 14 guys in an orgy. Although - honestly, at this point I wouldn't be shocked if that happened either. 
• Who was the other guy in the swim trunks in the pool with Craig? How come none of the attention was on him? Perhaps it was Chris Harrison joining in on the fun to stir the pot?!
• Chris, the farmer from Iowa, gets the second one-on-one date. He gets dressed up and says he

  

  She is totally bored.

  feels like pretty woman.... He is super excited and very sweet, but I don't think he has the spark or swagger Andi is looking for. The date at the race tracks was pretty vanilla. 
• They looked good, they bid on horses, they had a very staged conversation with a couple who was married for 50 years about how to make love last. I threw up a little in my mouth. 
• They shared some peck-like bird kisses while a depressing band played a song called "Am I meant to be alone?" In a nutshell - she is probably lusting after Josh M. the whole time but is really REALLY trying to ignite her loins by the presence of this sweet farmer. It's not working... "nice" doesn't win this show.
• At the rose ceremony Nick V. makes a sweet impression and I think he will get a one-on-one soon.
• Marquel's fashion is extremely questionable.... there is metro and then there is circus clown and Marquel is definitely walking that line.
• Andi and Josh make out during their one-on-one time, which is a not surprising. Craig cries somewhere in the corner having missed out on his chance with Josh.
• Craig tries to serenade Andi and I fast forward because I have had enough second-hand embarrassment tonight. 
• The guys going home are Carl - the firefighter - who handled his exit very gracefully. Nick S is shocked and is trying to not totally freak and break down (staying calm is critical for his hair-line at this point.. deep breaths) and Craig, who will miss the guys more than Andi.

Side note: I think Andi should have pulled Craig aside and been HONEST instead of using the over-drinking as a cop out. She should have explained that while the drinking was not cool, it was bigger than that - it was a lack of chemistry - it was a lurking feeling that he might not have a desire for women - just so he doesn't fester over that one night that "ruined his chances of finding true love". He was never in the running but now, instead of coming out of the closet, the guy is going to sign up for AA meetings....

Next week is a double header which I will combine into a highlight reel post on Wednesday! Until then!

I don't know how to feel... but are we sure these guys are straight?

So far I don't think you're totally annoying. So that's good.

After having an exhilarating time watching the Dancing With the Stars finals, I went to my DVR to switch over to the Bachelorette, which has been set up as a series pass since the beginning of time. Yet, by some regrettable twist of fate it did not record and so the first half hour of the show was lost forever.

The girls and I (mainly me) were very, very upset. We missed re-meeting Andi Dorfman, watching her walk along a sunset beach talking about her quest for love, laced with repeat footage from her appearance in Juan Pablo's season of The Bachelor, where she cracks down on crime and dramatically approaches the bench once given permission. But more importantly, we missed meeting the guys and forming our own impressions of how this season might go down.

I felt so disjointed, turning on the channel in a panic as one of the last few guys exited the limo. We apaprently missed some guy saying his name was like "anal" but with an "e".... aka, maybe we didn't miss so much after all? But still, I questioned, how am I supposed to feel about these guys?! I didn't know. I didn't know how to FEEL. How could this happen?! 

So handsome - so so sad and tragic, my heart breaks

And then, we meet Eric. We caught his tribute on the tail-end of what I had recorded for DWTS. This charming explorer would hands down be one of my favorites so far, and yet the entire time I was watching him step out of the limo and interact with Andi, I felt like I was seeing a ghost. He seemed like a really great guy, and it is just devastating to think what his family must be going through, introducing their son to the world after he has passed - watching his final days on an ABC reality show...

These days with my Erik (thank goodness for the "k" or else I really would have been freaked out) in Afghanistan, I don't do things related to death. Even if a movie or book has the potential of someone dying, I bail. I need to stay in my happiness bubble and not go to that emotional place where death could be, hence my love for DWTS where the only drama is if toes aren't pointed or lifts pop out a shoulder, only to miraculously be popped in so the fox trot can commence. 

So as I am sure you can imagine, the last hour of the show was a bit blah. Andi seems cool, and the guys are the normal cast of characters. And ABC still thinks we are idiots. 

Am I right?!?!

Chris (who we all call Shark) from Emily's season of the Bachelorette came back to win Andi's heart?! The drama by craft service (total product placement for Coffee Mate by the way - there were like 16 bottles behind the "action") where Chris was being restrained by a security guard 100 pounds overweight and channeling Ice Cube's grandfather was just pathetic. The whole thing was set up to promote Chris in the latest spin-off show, Bachelor Paradise. If there was anything to merit Chris chasing after Andi, surely they would have had some history, and in turn, Andi wouldn't have dismissed him so quickly to be "fair" to a bunch of dudes she literally met five minutes ago. She was so scripted in her "decision-making thought-process".... lame. The whole thing, lame. Chris Harrison is just glad he had a job to do this episode "mediating the issue."

Cool it Betty Crocker... okay, WINE I can do...

Let's talk about the cookie guy - Marquel, 26, is a sponsorship salesman from Las Vegas, NV, except since we came in all dazed and confused, I had no idea what he did for a living, and was simply praying he was some kind of bakery owner to merit the bizarre cookie buffet. She is all smitten like, "I love cookies so much! This is great!" when really she has got to be thinking - dude, first of all, I'm not white so the half black and white cookie thing is inaccurate. Second of all, my spanx cannot fit my oxygen let alone a cookie... please put these away.

There is a pantsaprenuer named JJ.... ?! We googled this profession. Nada. Then we saw the eccentric pair he flaunted during their one-on-one time and we figure he might be gay. I will say, his profession at least trumps being a "dog lover."

Plus he has your wedding covered

There are a few guys right out the gate that have swagger - Tasos (the rocker-looking wedding planner?!) is not my type, but I can tell he has some game with the whole speaking about "juice with ice" in french thing. Nick V. is very sweet, but to bring the family baggage up the first night... not recommended. Then again, he did get the first impression rose so perhaps that was a swift move with this compassionate family-loving crime stopper.

The opera singer has got to go.... it only worked for Sharleen because she kept her mouth shut until date 7, and even then was quite humble / constipated about her talent.

Patrick and Andrew just started a bromance, and surely it won't be long before JJ makes it a trio based on his pants preference.

Chris, the fourth generation family farmer from Iowa will definitely go far - he seems sweet and authentic. Then there is Marcus who, based on the porno music ABC played in the background of their one-on-one time heats things up and goes pretty far.

Here's a quick break down of each of the men leftover in the order in which they were rosed (thanks abc.com)

1. J J, 30, a pantsapreneur from San Francisco, CA - Gay?
2. Eric, 31, an explorer from Citrus Heights, CA - So so so sad. ugh.
3. Marquel, 26, a sponsorship salesman from Las Vegas, NV - Turns into the cookie monster based on scenes for upcoming episodes
4. Craig, 29, a tax accountant from Denver, CO - A little gay? Maybe I'm confusing him with Carl?
5. Tasos, 30, a wedding event coordinator from Denver, CO - Polish, multilingual and likes juice
6. Josh M., 29, a former professional baseball player from Atlanta, GA - I don't know how to feel
7. Brian, 27, a basketball coach from Camp Hill, PA - I don't know how to feel
8. Bradley, 32, an opera singer from Holland, MI - He's gotta go
9. Marcus, 25, a sports medicine manager from Dallas, TX - He will make it very far, "her type"
10. Andrew, 30, a social media marketer from Culver City, CA - I don't know how to feel
11. Ron, 28, a beverage sales manager from Memphis, TN - Confused about where he lives since he said he was from Nashville?! Not the same place, dude. Like... at all.
12. Carl, 30, a firefighter from Fort Lauderdale, FL- I don't know how to feel
13. Chris, 32, a farmer from Arlington, IA - Definitely a top contender
14. Brett, 29, a hairstylist from Westminster, PA - Maybe a little gay? Honestly, I don't know how to feel but hairstylist just made me go there - sorry
15. Dylan, 26, an accountant from Boston, MA - I don't know how to feel
16. Patrick, 29, an advertising executive from Newport Beach, CA- I don't know how to feel
17. Cody, 28, a personal trainer from Chicago, IL - This guy looks exactly like Mackelmore and I think he might be on roids based on scenes for this season
18. Nick S., 27, a professional golfer from Kissimmee, FL - Boring
*FIR: Nick V., 33, a software sales executive from Chicago, IL - Cute enough
*When I say "gay" I don't mean stupid because that is crass. I literally mean might like boys and maybe doesn't know it yet. 

THE REJECTS -

• Emil, 33, a helicopter pilot from Costa Mesa, CA - Reason #2500 not to compare the pronunciation of your name to a place shit comes out
• Jason, 35, an urgent care physician from Sturgeon Bay, WI - I don't know how to feel
• Josh B., 29, a telecommunication marketer from Denver, CO - At first I thought this guy was super cute and then he turned into the hulk during his exit - what a douche bag. Someone has got to get him a glass of water and some anger management
• Mike, 29, a bartender from Alta, UT - I don't know how to feel
• Rudie, 31, an attorney from Long Beach, CA - He was "aiming for the fences" and really wanted to knock it out of the park, and now he has a two hour drive back to reality... I think he will be okay
• Steven, 30, a snowboard product developer from Encinitas, CA - I don't know how to feel 

On this season of the Bachelorette - tears, cussing, ambulances, crying, world tour, Cookie monster, Mackelmore on roids, someone wants to burn down the house, too good to be true, ripping of the mic pack - DRAMA.

Should be interesting. I promise I will be more in touch with my feelings next week.

Me and Luda are on a Luda basis. NBD.

Do I usually watch you? I'm thinking I don't.

We have a big night coming up with the premiere of The Bachelorette tomorrow. Prior to that my inner dance freak will be pirouetting over the season finale of Dancing with the Stars.

HOWEVER, I have decided to still comment on the 2014 Award Show No One Really Cares About - known as the Billboard Music Awards. Maybe people care? Maybe I am just super country-centric and therefore figure that if it is not the CMA Awards or the Grammy's, we don't care? But for all intents and purposes, tonight we are going to care, together, in real time. So here we go. 

The whole freakin moon just shot out of JLo's finger.

Right out the gate, it seems to me like Pitbull sings the same song and does the same performance at every award show, all the time. 17 Latin girls gyrate behind him. He prances around, bouncing that beautiful bald head, on occasion singing in tune and of course throwing in some Rosetta Stone action.

We finally see some spice when Mr. Clean tosses it to my girl crush JLo who is so magical that stars and shit are flying from her hips and hands - lots of power in that booty. Another pair of boobs completes the latin trio opener. Somewhere, Juan Pablo is drooling. The one big takeaway from this performance - "we are one" multicultural booty drop away from a strip club.

It had to be done.

Okay... so who is this hosting? That rapper dude. Luda-something... oh right. Ludacris (thanks google). His enunciation is a bit intense. Why are you reprimanding me with your intro?

OH HERE'S MY GIRL SHANIA. Don't need to google how to spell her name. She is presenting Top Rock Album which is a bit... unexpected. But she looks hot. Wow... I actually know some of these songs. Good for me...Imagine Dragons takes it home. We have Jesus in a Elvis inspired wind-breaker, and three other dudes. Very eloquent speech.

Just the son of God in a spunky jacket. NBD.

I freakin LOVE One Republic. I saw them at Fontanel last summer and I seriously had the best night jumping around like a crazy person. They truly rock live. His hair is a bit flock of seagulls but hey, he is actually singing and in tune. I just have to wonder if the stars he is counting are the same ones shooting out of JLo's ass.... hmm...

Who are these Latin "Hit Me Baby One More Time" wannabes? I guess furbies on your sneakers and making chewbacca sounds is "fancy?" Who knew. Ariana Grande looks like an Oreo cookie / Nascar race flag (couldn't decide). She can actually sing which I appreciate. That half-up hairstyle she always sports is a little tired, though. Try a full on pony just for shits and giggles?

 BK -  For the love of God, buy some real pants.

You cannot escape the success FGL has had this past year - one of their 15 current singles is constantly on the radio in a loop. And here they are proudly representing Nashville and how "we" roll - except let's set the record straight - their wardrobe is NOT how we roll. Tyler's shirt ties up like a corset and Brian's ripped up T and grass-stained pants look like he just filmed a scene in a zombie apocalypse movie. A bit confused about that situation.

Shakira's hips still don't lie. And as a side note, I think she would make a stellar ventriloquist - how is all of that sound coming out of that tiny mouth that barely opens... When she goes up in pitch her mouth just closes in tighter. It's bizarre. Oh that high note at the end saw a little tonsil... I retract.

Billboard 200 Album - I hope Beyonce wins so that Kanye doesn't shoot anyone. What a versatile category. Oh wait, JT is my man. He better win.... Kanye will just have to DEAL. YAY --- JT is overseas... but he is super excited. So are the all the fancy restaurant waiters behind him.

Maybe try actually reading with those glasses...

Kendall Jenner... what just happened?! I think we just saw her have a mini-stroke, coming up for air just in time to tell America she is the worst reader ever....?! We need to get her and John Travolta in a class together to work this presenting thing out.

Luda wants you to make noise. All the time. Just in case you were wondering. And yes - I am giving myself permission to call him Luda (even though at the start of this post I googled how to spell his name).

Disney Princess meets Black Swan

Carrie freakin Underwood. Just stop it. You're so flawless. Your face is a little too spray-tanned but I'm going to give you a pass since everything else is perfect, always. And for contrast - Lorde wins, and she is wearing a gorilla... so really, YOU win. She is quite eloquent in her speech though. This has got to be a Gaga thing.. dress insane and let the talent speak for itself or something? Bizarre.

Wha?!

And in that same camp we have Katy Perry wearing a hot pink raincoat and slime green pigtails. Oh, and a circus threw up on her stockings... correction...body suit. It's like the human manifestation of an acid trip. Hate to pop your balloon KP but you just abandoned that little birthday girl you dragged on stage to sit by herself surrounded by a crew of doodle bops. She now wishes she was not born.

Imagine Dragons - I enjoy them. One dude has a mustache. The lead singer has a shirt decorated with black string tape. We will overlook this because the drumming up front is kind of mesmerizing.

Let's take a moment to discuss all cut-in audience shots. They are always SUPER awkward - the person never quite knows the words and / or is Taylor Swift doing the robot (who I haven't seen yet by the way... where is she?!) In this case - the words "Nobody else can take me higher" caught on real quick so the audience knows what to do with their mouth. Success.

Luke Bryan just won for the Flint River song. Phillip and him go to Flint River all the time y'all. That is how they roll. Then they proceed to have a very deep conversation in the award exit all about catfish dinners, I assume.

Keisha looks lovely and then opens her mouth and all of that elegance just flies far far away to that magical place where her brain lives. Brad rocks it. Luda makes sure every word cuts like a knife. And now we're about to see Michael Jackson?!

Nothing is shooting out of his fingers.... because he ISN'T REAL.

Holy shit this is FREAKY. Do you think the audience has 3D glasses for this?! I dont know how I feel..... I think I am going to land on feeling very weird inside about this. Pretty amazing technology but... yeah I'm still feeling weird. Maybe it's not the hologram at all, but rather the Egyptian alien storm troopers dancing around him?! Undecided.

Ricky Martin, I personally am glad you are still livin la vida loca. But are we sure this isn't the Latin Music Awards?! No need to tune into that show now - Billboard has it covered. He too is celebrating people of every nation. A very lyrically empowering theme I am noticing here among the Latin community. But hey - that's great. Better than whatever Luda probably "sings" about.

Luke wants us to play it again. Pretty standard. Back to this sponsored advertisement for Chevrolet and the milestone award with the Beyonce and Ellie Kemper wannabes (ooo low blow Kelly Rowland...my bad, my bad).

Channeling the tennis Gods?

Robin Thicke wins for best R&B song. Hope that award keeps him warm at night since those blurred lines got real kinds of clear when his beautiful wife left his dirty cheating ass. Oh wait - he just thanked his wife.... that was weird. I'm going to have to google the status of that later.

Now THIS is how we roll....

Lorde is another one of MJ's martians. Oh wait, it's just the shadow of a hat. This song is called Tennis Court.... not sure I'm getting the metaphor here. Too distracted by the possessed ticking to pay attention to the meaning...

Brad is back again announcing Carrie and Miranda and I am SUPER EXCITED about this performance of "Something Bad" - They look freakin hot and their bouncing is impressively synchronized with the exception of Carries rogue right knee dig. I have to say - I am not that into this song though.... a bit Aerosmith-esque which isn't bad, just not what I expected. But they're so hot who cares. Blake and the hockey dude are totally getting some later.

Disney would be so proud....

Streaming artist goes to Miley who has hot pink face stripes and a large mouth licking her boobs. I want to give her a hug and send her to rehab, but ya know - not my place. 

John Legend is just pure class, as is his gorgeous wife. He has such a velvet voice and we ladies are all secretly wishing we were Chrissy Teigen. Likely, so are our men because she is freakin hot.

Best country song goes to FGL - amazing and not surprising! Definitely support the wardrobe change to the classic black T and vest.

Let's fly to Manchester where Miley Cyrus is carrying the entire nation's inventory of tinsel for this Christmas on her shoulders. Her silver counterpart is licking the stage floor now.... things are getting weird and I have to fast forward. I don't do drugs for a reason.

Milestone award goes to Carrie Underwood - YAY. I am so excited for her!!!! I am not sure entirely what this award means, but hey - no more Chevrolet ads so that is a win all in itself.

Robin Thicke is singing about getting his woman back. Things are coming together now even without google. No lady back-up dancers - quite the stripped down performance where girls aren't stripping down... I'd say an improvement since the Miley foam-finger incident. Minus that moment on his knees where an audience member was forced to stare at his crotch. 

Artist of the Year goes to JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. Love him. Oooooooh wow, he just made a Donald Sterling comment... there might be some strings attached to that one JT...

Exits are in the left and rear of the cabin.

Icon award goes to my girl JENNY FROM THE BLOCK. Wow - the first sight of Taylor happens here in the JLo behind the music section?! TSwift must be on tour or something...?! I might have to google that too.

Back to Jennifer - she is just all kinds of awesome. She could also be a kick ass flight attendant with those strong directional hand motions. Great performance and I think she is actually singing which is always impressive with that kind of hair-flipping and bodily movement happening on stage. With a little Ain't No Mountain High Enough mash-up.... yes....I'm in a good place. So proud to be a Jenny. Might need to google translate that one part in her speech but the rest was spot on (google should really pay me for all of these plugs... I mean right?!)

Luda. Out.

Jenny. Out. See ya tomorrow for THE BACHELORETTE!