Things I Do Not Understand: Part 1

1. The popularity of Shark week: Okay yes, it is awesome for Discovery channel that they get a ton of viewership one week out of the year in which they feature a bunch of specials on... sharks. I am sure it is fascinating, and I am sure it would hold my attention five minutes longer than whatever they usually put on the Discovery Channel. But the hype around this baffles me. If you ask me, I would much rather watch Finding Nemo - now that is an education. No but seriously, I would love to know what makes shark week so special. And how do they change it up every year - Does a shark's behavior really change that much? It seems to me this is more like a trend people just go along with - everyone LOVES shark week like they love holding their Starbucks cup label facing out, wearing headbands during the Gossip Girl season or quoting Napoleon Dynamite. Everyone else is doing it... so we should too?

2. Why my office is so cold I can't function: It is 102 degrees outside, so yes, Nashville is having quite the humid heat wave. And in this day in age, I am a huge proponent of air conditioning, do not get me wrong. But my office building has taken this concept to an unnecessary extreme - by the look of the blue hue of my toes peaking out from my flip flips, I can only imagine it is 65 degrees in here - and getting colder by the minute. Now, I might have that weird disease where your extremities turn blue upon the slightest decrease of temperature, but I still believe it to be exceptionally cold. What happened to saving energy to save the planet? What happened to wearing summer clothes in the summer instead of having to sneak on my fuzzy socks mid day to keep my teeth from chattering? And lord knows, the minute I step outside I defrost in an instant and I am sweating from head to toe walking the 10 feet to my car. Happy balance, please find me. Boss man, please tell me it is acceptable to bring my snuggie to work.

3. Why everything that tastes good is bad for you: Last night I ate at cheesecake factory and had what I thought to be a healthy array of appetizers with my co-workers. We had the delicious avocado egg rolls, hummus with pita bread and some crab wantons (okay yes, those were fried...), but little did I realize Cheesecake Factory is where diets go to die. Not to say I am on a diet, but holy cow, the calories packed in the seemingly smart choices will baffle you. Truly. AND the bad choices - forget it. You might as well order a tub of lard. And yet - so delicious. The other night I had Velveeta cheese dip all melted in a crock pot with chips, and it was like I could not stop eating it. There was crack in that crock pot, I swear it. I think I might have even blacked out from not coming up for air. I can only imagine the other party-goers were either mad impressed by my speed, or shockingly disturbed. Broccoli - why do you not taste good? Why do I have to smother you in Velveeta crock pot cheese in order to eat you?

4. Why people have the inability of texting and doing anything else: Dear Oprah - I am with you on the no phone in the car zone pledge, or whatever the heck you are having everyone from Tom Cruise to the monkey that visits from Animal Planet sign. BUT I think we need to extend this pledge to other areas of life. I was recently at the grocery store and I got stuck behind this chick in a very narrow aisle who was texting WHILE she was grocery shopping. At the end of the aisle - the long busy aisle (because apparently Kroger is like a mecca at 6:00pm on a Wednesday)- I see exactly what I need - I see the peanut butter. My eyes are fixed, my mouth is watering, but this girl is texting, barely moving at all. I am stuck behind her, she surely feels my presence but does nothing. Seriously people, if you have to text, pull off to the side or go to the aisle with the vegetables on it, where I will certainly not run into you.

5. Why do I have to pee every five minutes? See previous entry below.

Well that is all I can squeeze into my lunch hour, but be on the look out for Part 2 of Things I Don't Understand and for a future entry titled: Things That Are Really Awkward.