The twilight zone.

Yesterday morning sucked just by existing because it was Monday morning. But then a strange series of events occurred which made it particularly out of the ordinary.

So now I will share with you the bizarre occurrences of my Monday morning - a morning I am going to dramatically classify as a twilight zone kind of morning.

Alarm clock goes off at 5:20am and I wake up. The usual feeling of "dear God I hate my life, I don't care if I am fat forever and ever, I will do anything to go back to sleep and make that awful and abrasive chiming noise stop. Dear alarm clock, you are the devil" feelings that I normally have in addition to my eye's being sealed shut, was not there. I actually woke up feeling rested. WHAT?! This does not happen. Ever.

So I get up and put on my gym clothes, step outside to get to my car and it is suspiciously dark outside. Did I sleep the whole day and now it is dusk? Is that why I feel so rested? Did we have daylight savings time and no one gave me the memo... Does that even make sense? What is going on? It is never that dark. I wake up at this time every morning. Confusion.

I drive to the gym and while I am right on my normal schedule, my parking spot, in addition to every other parking spot in the entire lot, is taken. I circle in the dark, finally find a spot, and now what started as a jump start morning has become a rush to my favorite machine. When I get there, it is taken. It is NEVER taken. Aggravation.

So I do what everyone does at the YMCA in the morning. You stalk the machine you want while treading lightly on another machine (As to not sweat on it and have to waste precious time wiping it down while transitioning to your machine when it opens up) and I finally hop onto my machine. I am going, thinking... "okay... let's do this." And so I turn on MTV videos (for visual), put my workout list on my ipod (for my pump up jams) and I begin.

This is when the weirdness really kicked in. MTV was having a music video flashback of old school music videos instead of the usual top 40. Suddenly, I was in the 90's - from Britney to N' Sync... which made me think to myself - this is strange, but I kind of like it. So I plugged into the machine and watched while running. (Side note: Whoever thought People Magazine was providing unknown breaking news with the "Lance Bass is Gay" cover story was terribly mistaken. Just watch the Dirty Pop video. Watch Lance. We all knew. We had to know.



So I am shaking my booty (in a valiant and usually failing attempt to make it shrink) on the elliptical to my boy band jams, thinking just how truly crazy we all were for thinking these guys were "hot" with their gelled hair, crazy outfits and all of that "thrusting" and wondering how we did not realize sooner that Britney was clinically crazy. And I am feeling like it is 1999 except I clearly don't have my 1999 teenage body. When suddenly, I notice that my normal work out crew (the people I see practically every day who have the same general routine, but who you never actually speak to because that would be weird) were no where to be seen. Everyone was different including the very large middle-aged man working out next to me who needed deodorant so bad that I could hardly breathe. And he was watching the same channel as me and kept smiling at me - like trying to connect over our shared love of 90's boy bands. Dear dirty old smelly man - Can't you see I am working out (meaning I am hoping I am invisible to rest of the natural world) Do not acknowledge me. And get some Old Spice immediately. And put CNN on... dude....

I finally get myself ready for the day, none of my usual ladies are in the locker room getting ready so I had no one to chat with about my weekend or compliment me on my daring shoe choice for the day, and I felt very alone. Then - SWEAR TO GOODNESS - my hair got caught in the back of MY HAIR DRYER. I am very skilled with my hair (with the exception of lighting it on fire while blowing out my birthday candles... two years in a row... and that one time I burned off a chunk in London due to a wattage issue) so this is highly unusual. I literally scream in the middle of the locker room and have to rip my hair out of the back of the hair dryer. I kid you not. Horrified.

I finally make it to work, and realize my day has not even really begun. This is reason enough to skip the binge fest of pizza and screw fitness... right?

No. Because this morning I slept in because I am going to the gym after work, and I got stuck in literally 35 minutes of traffic for my 15 minute commute. Why is this all happening. One reason. Behind that creepy spinning door in the twilight zone video is a child, with a Dora backpack all smiling and ready for... THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. I guess back to school time means that people who never used to work out in the morning, are hitting the gym because their kids are back to hitting the books. And the traffic is because crazy high schoolers and minivans are packed on the road, sleep-driving to school, all in the name of "education" interfering with my timeliness to work. No one messes with my timeliness. UGH! So annoying. Car pool, people! Save the planet. Put all the little rugrats in one car and free up the road.

If this is any indication, it is going to be a long week.

And on that note, here is one more piece of evidence to support my Lance Bass - we knew it all along - claim. Enjoy your three minutes of the twilight zone :)





On second thought.. maybe they are all a little gay?