Commercial break thoughts: Emily is a fantasy suite tease

I'm so low maintenance.

We are down to the final three on the most anticipated Bachelorette episode all season - the fantasy suite dates in the beautiful island of Curacao.

Here are my moment-by-moment reactions as I watched (posted almost a week later - I suck, I'm sorry):

In case you were just dying to see how Emily spent her first few hours on the island - no worries. ABC has that covered. She pets iguanas, kicks her toes in the beautiful blue waters, pioneers a James-Bond speed boat entrance, and draws epic questions in the sand - let's also take note of Emily's single pink duffel bag that she carries off the boat - such a simple traveler, that Emily.

The final three.

In case the iguana is not excitement enough, Chris Harrison will now proceed to recap Emily's 8 week love affair with each of the three remaining guys. I must admit, I have absolutely no idea who is going home at this point. These three guys are all very different with equally winning qualities, but no one guy stands out as the winner. I am not sure just one of these guys is right for her - a hybrid of the three would be just perfect. With Jef you get intelligence, sensitivity, and playfulness - Emily says he has edge - not sure mastering puppets is edgy, but I'll go with it. With Sean you get loyalty, stability and muscles - Emily says he is the perfect man, and there is nothing to prove contrary. With Arie you get sex appeal and chemistry - I am not sure how many conversations those two have actually had - but they sure are hot for each other. Bottom line, this would be a tough choice for any girl.

She is clearly bored. This is not happening.

Here we go - Oh no, Sean is up first. Something tells me this means he is the next to go home. He arrives in his nantucket-red shorts and a smile. My heart flutters - he is absolutely adorable. You can tell this guy is head over heels for Emily, but I am just not sure she feels the same. After a classic run-hug Emily and Sean get in a helicopter - new and different transportation for this show - and are dropped on a private island. Sean needs sunglasses. Emily cannot enjoy the moment until she hears the words "I love you." Sean finally starts showing more than a beaming in-need-of-sunscreen smile when he reads Emily a letter he wrote to her daughter, Ricki. This is Sean's moment - he is winning every woman's heart watching with his sincere and precious declaration to her daughter that he would love her like his own. He finally says "I love you" to Emily and the stars align - until they just don't anymore. It is a beautiful moment, but you can tell by Emily's response that he is still a step behind the other two. Then up pops another letter, this time from Emily about the fantasy suite - shock and awe sweeps the nation - NO ONE SAW THIS COMING. He accepts with a big smile, and they head off together with sparkles in their eyes and underpants. Then suddenly, mid-hot-tub the producers cut in babble about Emily being unsure if she should listen to her mommy instincts or her who-hah. What is this crap? I am confused... I thought by offering him the card, she was all in. Hours into their evening, she does the "right thing" and kicks Sean out of the fantasy suite to set a good example for her daughter. Where was that example in Brad's season miss? Anyways, Sean goes home and takes a cold shower.

Commercial break thoughts: Dear Emily: UGH!!! Of course he loves you - he has told you in a million different ways. She is putting so much pressure on the "L" word after only 8 weeks, when really she should have just been enjoying the moment, having real conversations. And after an afternoon of youtubing past Bachelor episodes, I have proof that on Emily's fantasy suite date with Brad, she too had the exact same difficulty getting the words out - but that is probably because Brad was a complete scripted weirdo of smoke and mirrors. Anyways, I digress. Overall I think their date went well, but not well enough to secure Sean a rose just yet.

He is a poet, and can steer a boat - what a winner.

And we're back - Now its Jef's turn. He seems to be confused. He is cautious about his feelings and future with Emily in one breath and is now going on and on about how he can't wait to propose. Blah blah blah. Also, let's throw in some metaphors about how they are painting a masterpiece, and how the sun is really rising on their relationship. Sometimes it feels like this guy is reading cue cards. Emily has such an "amazing and unique" surprise for Jef that we have never seen on this show before - they are going sailing. Cue lots of scenes of them kissing, connecting, and sailing. Jef goes on to mention his parents, who I think live behind the curtain in the Land of Oz. Who are these people, and why are they so cryptic? And here comes the elegant dinner and the fantasy suite card which Jef so eloquently declines in an effort to "bridles his passion"- such a bank moment for him. Way to keep your edgy and cool status by not even giving Emily the chance to reject you - smart kid. He then goes home and takes a cold shower, and calls his parents who are currently en-route to the moon.

Commercial break thoughts: These two have a certain chemistry that isn't passion and fireworks in the Arie kind of way, but is a true friendship that I think would have longevity in the real-life roller coaster that is the aftermath of this show. They do seem to really get each other and the fact that she can picture him in her kitchen during her normal routine is telling - I guess. Then again, the only reason she probably couldn't see Arie in her kitchen is because those two would never leave her bedroom.

And that about sums up their date.

And we're back - Finally Emily and Arie reunite for the third and final date of the show. Yes, we know - these two love to make out with each other. Arie is a dolphin whisperer. Emily cannot keep her hands off him and thinks dolphins are sharks. They make-out. They make-out some more. She doesn't even give Arie the fantasy suite card at all because she does not trust herself. Arie goes home and takes a freezing "what-would-it-have-been-like-if-I-was-on-the-titanic?" cold shower.

Commercial break thoughts: The minute Emily and Arie come up for air and attempt a conversation, I am just not sure they are truly compatible. To me, Arie seems like an immature and self-involved boy whose life could not withstand the complete 180 of becoming a father and partner to Emily. His lifestyle, bottom-line, does not line up. He will be out of town all the time, and even admitted that when he is not traveling he loves to eat dinner out and always be around his friends. Dear Arie - you social butterfly, you - these are not words to ensure your place in the domestic family life of Emily Maynard. Forget dinners with friends - you will be packing lunches and coaching soccer. Did he not see the After the Final Rose with Brad (which I might have just re-watched via youtube) during which she clearly demands a lot of attention and validation from her man and expects him to be a present father? I just don't think Arie is right in the long run - I see that blowing up - especially when Emily says she would move to be with Arie - dingbat, Arie would rarely even be in town! I am telling you - in the real world once the chase is over, unlike his race car, their relationship is going no where fast.

Chris - go do your job and get this girl a darn tissue.

And we're back: We now enter the water-work portion of the episode in which Emily cannot lock it up and keep it together. While Emily watches the videos of the three final guys final pleas, you'd think she was at a funeral - it was just depressing. The guys lay out their hearts in what feels like a cue-card scripted monologue and Emily is left alone to sob. Where is Chris Harrison?! What is his purpose on this show, if not to console and ask those hard hitting, clarifying questions? I'm confused.

During the rose ceremony, the pauses between roses is simply unbearable. Jef gets the first rose. At this point, if Sean has watched even the slightest interaction between Arie and Emily, he knows his name is not wrapped in that second and final flower. Arie it is, and Sean gets the ax. My heart sinks.

Sean's exit is absolutely heart breaking and heartfelt. The man is a class act who truly had feeling for Emily. Word on the street is that Roberto is set to be the next Bachelor, but if not, Sean would absolutely be my pick. And if he is, Weston and I will have to have a little chat.... (just kidding.... maybe).

Here is what we learned... Speak English

I really want to start off this post by talking about how ugly Emily is. I mean - her flawless skin, her perfect teeth, her darling blonde luscious locks, her doe eyes. U. G. L. Y.  TOWN. I can't look at her anymore. Except I will. Because I'm obsessed with this season.

The episode begins with Emily's homecoming - back in Charlotte for a overnight with her braid-sporting-hippie-love-child. They had a fun-filled night of almost falling down the stairs during the slow-mo run-hug and checking outside the front door as apart of Emily's neighborhood watch duties. Finally, Emily went to sleep before traveling around the nation for her hometown dates with Chris, Jef, Arie and Sean. It was short-lived love-child, but always a pleasure.

"Emily told us she wants to name her son Chris Jr!"

Let's please define "sensing love" shall we?
Emily's first stop was Chicago to see Chris - someone I am simply not a fan of. I am sorry - but he has a latent temper, a huge ego, and not a lot of personality at all. When they are first reunited the dynamic is immediately uncomfortable - he is so nervous around her and you can tell she is constantly trying to loosen him up. You can take the guy out of Poland, but not the Poland out of the guy? Which sounds like pole... which sounds weird... anyways moving on.

Here is what we learned: Polish people love their children and interpret English words incorrectly. When Emily meets Chris's family - who seem perfectly nice and normal - they naturally dote on him. (Polish accent) "If you are looking for a guy who paints rainbows in the sky with his mind, can cure cancer with his eye lashes, bakes cookies for the homeless, and might be the next President - then you are looking for our Chris." Emily then goes on to admit to Papa that she is "sensing" love with Chris. Damn. After a speech like that, who wouldn't be "sensing" love. This is where I think there was a language barrier - Dad proceeds to tell Chris - "Emily told me she was falling in love with you." False Pops. This did not happen, in any language. Crazy Chris is closeted and Smitten Kitten Chris re-emerges for a final goodbye, but not before greeting Emily on the porch with a Polish parade of dancers. Cute.

This is what we look like when you read us letters.

Just because I live in Utah, does not mean I'm a Mormon. (But you probably are and your parent's "charity work" is suspect and if I was allowed to read Reality Steve I am sure I would know why.)

Emily's life with Jef in Utah would be fun, adventuresome, full of hair gel, shooting sh*t in the sky, and well, I would imagine it would be pretty Mormon. And naturally she would have to shorten her name to Emil to fit in with one-f Jef. But these are all logistics, and in Bachelor world, logistics do not matter until after the final rose.

Here is what we learned: Jef's mom screwed the milk man a lot since none of his siblings look remotely alike. Emily is a baby whisperer. Jef should be a poet. When he breaks out the letter - man, you cannot produce that stuff. It was the sweetest, most genuine, heart-felt love letter aired on this show... ever. It put Courtney's vows to Ben from last season - during which she quoted Sex and the City - to absolute SHAMBLES of SHAME. I cried a little. One tear. One little tear down my face for Jef with one F and one big F'in heart.

So yes, Jef is kind and caring and definitely a front runner. His boyish charm has gotten him leaps and bounds in this competition. But my friend Jordan said something so true last night while we were watching that I must address. What Emily and Jef have is a "high school" love. The kind that seems innocent and eternal at first, until they each go off to college and screw each other over at a frat party (aka - Jef faces reality and realizes he is not ready for parenthood in Charlotte away from his "non-Mormon" roots and lemonade cheers). I do love Jef - but I am just not sure it will last if she picks him.

"Cheers" in Dutch. Google it.

I threw up a little in my helmet hair, but boy does Arie look hot. 
Emily met up with Arie on the race track and shockingly did not bring up her baby daddy and how it was hard, or brought up memories, or anything that would cue dramatic-bachelor-sob-story background music. I was shocked. But I guess Arie's hot bod and speed distracted her. Oh and that amazing fountain that was spewing in the lake behind them during their transitional picnic... :/

Here is what we learned: Arie's family overall sucks.
Arie: "Hey, I have a great idea guys. Let's all talk in Dutch and really make Emily feel at home." Um what? And this was not even Dora the Explorer style with English thrown is - this was full on awkward language shut out.

Arie's Dad seems fine, but his mom is like the evil stepmother from a Disney movie. Cold and botoxed and simply unwelcoming and hard to understand. The two little twin brothers are there - drooling from the moment Emily walked through the door. I think there was a sister. She had a big nose and no air time.

But Arie and Emily's chemistry is undeniable. What I thought was really funny is how Emily acted so surprised when the family "revealed" Arie has strong feelings for her. Emily: "Oh wow, that is such brand new information I have not ever heard from anyone ever - great news!" Except Emily - Arie told you he loved you to your face last week. Cool.

Sean: I am really perfect. You will end up intimidated.

Welcome to Dallas - I will now unleash my dogs on you.
We finally made it to Dallas for the final hometown with Sean. Ken, Barbie and their two unidentified pups are reunited in the park for an afternoon of what "normal life would be like" with Sean picking dandelions, surrounded by cameras, strolling through the high grass, probably getting ticks. Awesome.

Here is what we learned: Sean's family is the crew I truly believe Emily and love-child would blend with the best - but the problem here is, despite the overly romantic gestures and "hilarious" pranks (cookie crumbs and stuffed animals in "his bedroom" at his parent's home... seriously?) and potential to have gorgeous Aryan race babies, I think Emily is more in love with his family and that amazing life-size doll house than she is with Sean.

She keeps saying how perfect Sean is, and "perfect" is a word of DOOM on this show. For some reason, "Mr. Perfect" is never the one chosen in the end. Remember when Deanna choose that goofball Jesse instead of hot baby daddy Jason? I think the Bachelorettes do this in some final effort to send off a humble vibe. "I may have been self indulgent, left my love-child at home, had 25 guys vie for my affection, made out with all of them, naturally, and loved every minute of it - but I am not SO shallow that I have to be with someone perfect. Life is not perfect and so I choose the non-perfect one because... well... yeah. BECAUSE!" That is deep.

Dear Chris: The parade was cute. But your face is not. You're out.  He definitely was heartbroken and freaked out. He will be a hell-raiser on the Men Tell All for sure.

With Chris gone, I truly have no idea who she will choose between the three, or if her real soul mate is in this bunch at all.

Next week it get's SERIOUS PEOPLE. I am talking - FANTASY SUITE.... you all know what that date card says... it is hot-tub-heat-up go time friends. Go. Time. And it looks like it is going to be a tough decision - we're talking lots of water-proof mascara folks.

Let the Bachelorette breakdown begin.

SIDE NOTE: Basically this show hates normal human boyfriends. This episode in particular had every girl in the country weeping and cursing their boyfriends for sucking in comparison.
Dear Weston: Please chase down my car just to kiss me just "one more time" on my way to the grocery store for milk. Please hand-write me vows of love for no reason at all that tell me you like the smell of my hair and the way I look in my retainer when I wake up in the morning. Please buy a race car and drive me around Old Hickory lake in it. Please build me a doll house in your yard for our future children. PLEEASSSE. If you don't, you clearly don't love me.

Luke Bryan's evil twin loses his cool in Prague

You boring. Bring back love-child!

By now you know, the first ten minutes of every episode sets the scene. This part was much more interesting when love-child was prancing around in little hats and memorizing flash cards. Emily opening double windows and stoically staring her barbie doll face out into the landscapes of paradise - over it. 



This was by far the biggest week, according to Chris Harrison - a huge step forward - which is what Chris should have taken so he wouldn't have had to scream to the remaining six guys and use such large hand gestures across a Prague courtyard.

Arie got the first date and apparently "no one expected it" except for Emily who can't take her face off his, and the producers who were finally ready for the "on-screen" "raw footage" drama to unfold in regards to his past "we-dated-twice-10-years-ago" relationship. 

Emily greeted Arie wearing a burka and shorts - clearly some climate confusion here - but at least this time they gave her a book to play barbie tour guide for the afternoon. Arie, digging deep into his cultural roots - screamed "English? English?" throughout the streets, as they kissed and walked of course leaving enough breathing room for Emily to passive aggressively hint at his dishonesty. From making him rub "loyalty" dogs, to shooting him crazy eyes while expressing how important trust and openness is to her, the whole thing felt like one big set up.

Then the editors cut to a scene clearly filmed back in Charlotte, probably before shooting even began since this was their plan all along - and you would have thought Chris Harrison was interrupting programming to announce a terrorist attack....

Cassie was the only "raw" thing about this footage

The "full disclosure" sequence was clearly just as scripted as the rest of the show and became like a bizarre scene of candid camera - and yet they didn't even show us the best part - the actual confrontation with Arie. Cut to Emily and Arie both making oogly eyes and Emily apologizing for being hard on him... wow. Let. Down.

We ended the night with Arie professing his love to Emily and therefore making her the most happiest girl. Then there were fireworks - in his pants and in the sky.



Next, Emily went on a date with John - who we don't really know and who get's kicked off in the end of this episode anyways, so we are going to make this part brief. There is not much sparkle to John - he has a ton of sappy sob stories, but other than that, he's not a lot of fun. Their love lock didn't connect, they painted an ambiguous boat on a wall - it was a chemistry experiment gone all wrong.

The search continued... in her mouth.

After their bland date, John returned glowing, and Sean decided in that moment he just simply HAD TO SEE EMILY (despite the fact he had a group date with her 8 hours later). So he ran through the streets of Prague screaming out her name with the hope of being able to find her. How ever will he succeed? Perhaps the camera crews surrounding them both, the fact the producers set this up all along, and Emily creepily hanging out in an alley-way wearing a Lord of the Rings cloak with 13 lights around her helped. No GPS needed - he just followed his heart and it led him to her remote location. Puhlease. They proceeded to make out in a cafe and Emily seemed simply over the moon. 



Enough said.

Emily's group date with Sean, Chris and Daddy Doug was pretty eventful. First, Daddy Doug (who just couldn't wait to play in castles with his son some day) got the "about time" shaft after treating Emily like she had cooties and later attacking her face with a 5th grade smooch AS HE WAS BEING DUMPED. Yes, he sure was a "day late and a dollar short" with that one - is this guy for real? We could talk a lot more about this but in the interest of time, we are moving on to Crazy Chris's emotional break down. 



Chris, Chris, Chris. Unlike host Harrison, contestant Chris is not cool, calm and collected at all. In fact, he is having a full-on Jenna-from-Ben's-season classic-bachelor breakdown. And this was even before the date started. Put Dougy on a plane home and what you end up with is Chris's worst nightmare - a two-on-one with Sean, aka Ken doll, in a dungeon.

Let's cut to the short -hand notes I took while watching the show: 


Chris: Where's a chain saw when you need it?

Chris seems violent

Sean and Emily are like Barbie and Ken

Chris is about to commit suicide

Sean and Emily can't stop making out

Chris is at a boiling point
Sean gets the rose

Chris is losing it

Sean is beaming

Chris sulks - someone get this guy a Valium stat. 



Emily's puppet: You are cool. Jef's puppet: Thanks mommy!

Finally, Emily and Jef have a one-on-one during which they role-play their relationship with puppets - a perfectly suitable activity for our 12-year-old contestant. I really do like Jef a lot - and especially his "unique" way of expressing how he wants to marry the sh*t out of her - but come the end of the day, I do not think this mama's boy is strong or manly enough. Emily wants a lot of kids, but I don't think she wants her husband to be one of them.  



At the rose ceremony, Emily reintroduced her southern backwoods attitude and told Chris Harrison she don't need no cocktail party - which put Crazy Chris in a tailspin. Arie got the first rose - duh. Emily is already planning her outfit for that parental visit - Sean had the rose from the one-on-one, Jef got a rose - no surprise there, and then we are left with Chris and John - both about to wet their pants with anxiety.

In the final moments, Chris interrupts Emily as she stares deeply into the rose, contemplating the meaning of life and just HAS TO TALK TO EMILY RIGHT NOW. His tantrum pays off, Chris stays and John gets the axe - but at least he got to ride off in a classy town car, compared to the mini-van cabs of past departures. 



Next week we head to the homes of the remaining four guys. My predictions - Chris is next to go, but after that, it's anyone's guess.

*I know I have been so late with these recently and by the time all 20 of you read these recaps, its old news. I'm sorry, I'm busy and important. But you know what is  NEW news?! SURI'S PARENTS AKA TOM AND KATIE CRUISE ARE GETTING DIVORCED... there. I added something ground breaking. Suck it.

Croatia killed the Rooster

Picturing Kalon as the target.

Off to Croatia... a country I'm not sure the guys had even heard of until Emily revealed the next location at the rose ceremony - they clinked their champagne and oooed and ahhhed, wondering in their minds - where the heck is that? When they pulled up in their motor boat they seemed absolutely stunned by its beauty. "Croatia is a different world - I didn't expect it to be like this." "Croatia is FREAKIN AWESOME."  It's not going to be a dump guys. This is ABC running the show - if they can afford to produce the brainless reality show Glass House, they can take you somewhere nice.


Once everyone settled in to their palaces, Travis was finally thrown an egg and got to have his first one-on-one date with Emily. And with that, those two "fishes out of water" walked along the streets of Dubrovnik, dancing to villagers music, laughing and trying to bust out of the friend zone. Emily was wearing flats for a change which to me indicated that Travis was not worth the foot pain of her standard four inch heel. The date can pretty much be summed up by the scene in which Travis was trying to balance on the ledge of the love wall and kept falling off.... yep. It was all downhill from there. 



Travis: That guy looks like Aladdin. Emily: When will this date be over?

At dinner, Emily, again sporting her "bad ass" leather jacket, asked Travis to define the kind of girl he normally dates. When he replied, "You to a "T" the cheesiness on the date hit an all-time high. But even compliments could not swoon Barbie - she was simply not falling for Travis the way he was falling off that wall. As expected, Emily looked at Travis and saw "just a friend" who used an egg to symbolize his loyalty - strike one - hadn't yet exposed his chest to her - strike two - and kind of looks like a younger Gary Levox from Rascal Flatts - strike three - and realized it was time to say goodbye. Travis was crushed understandably. He went from being on a date with Barbie in Croatia to walking down a street alone in the rain with a whimpy umbrella. 



Meanwhile, Emily moved on with the remaining guys, minus rooster hair who got the first second one-on-one date, to watch a thrilling and epic guy film sure to entertain all - Disney Pixar's Brave. Talk about product placement. What makes no sense to me is their market is children who likely are watching Hannah Montana and not the Bachelorette.... granted I will probably end up seeing this film - it looks fab and the accents are awesome - but let's be honest - I am not the average viewer.

Wait guys, what country are we in again?

Anyways, I digress. 

The guys commentary on the film was very entertaining -  "She got jipped, she only got to choose between three guys," and let's not forget Emily's epic connection with the lead character - "I want to be just like her (and Taylor Swift) - fearless!" And of course, Daddy Doug talks about how he can't wait to take his son to see it. Dear Doug. We know you are a single dad. We know you think you and Emily are peas in a single-parent pod. But ya gotta stop....



The group date then continued with a re-enactment of the Highland games - a Scottish tradition taken from the movie that they are acting out in Croatia.. confusing. Arie, John, Sean, Jef, Doug and Chris all competed in a series of tasks, and in the end the underdog, Chris, came out on top. The competitive juices were flowing, the lactic acid in their muscles were pumping and the testosterone was at an all time high - and yet the guys were in kilts riding on donkeys. Here is how I figure this whole thing played out:



Jef: I think I just pooped a little

Producers: Emily, we're going to teach you how to shoot a bow and arrow and edit you hitting the target. 
Guys - please reference the movie Brave as much as possible so that we meet the 50 times mentioned quota in our agreement with Disney.



Needless to say the guys think it is so sexy Emily can shoot a bow and arrow - she is just such a natural. She probably does archery in her backyard.... Next, the guys all compete in a series of edited down tasks and while Sean is clearly the strongest and "freakin hottest," Emily keeps up her girl-next-door persona by awarding the "Brave"ry cup (Disney $ in the bank) to Chris. 



In the evening portion of the date, Jef and Emily have some alone time in which Jef confesses he is scared of Emily and "like" can't believe "like" that he "like" feels "like" he has "like" the type of feelings that "like" people write "like" novels about. Dude - that line is cheesy enough but when you break it up with 15 likes, it just makes it slightly unbearable. He is still a sweetheart, and certainly a top runner but I in the end I don't think he is ready to be a "like" father or a "like" husband.

But who knows...

Unlike last week's circus, the one-on-one time on the group date was drama-free, and the rose truly seemed up for grabs, but Chris took home not only the bravery cup but the rose. It is just surprising to me - I don't see a connection between her and Chris. Definitely not the kind of feelings people write novels about. 



Cocky-doodle dooooooo (And did he borrow Ricki's tank top?)

The next morning it is time for Rooster Hair Ryan to finally hang himself with his cocky "gifted" personality. He doesn't even wait to leave the hotel before he is ranting on and on about how "the world is our oyster and you are the pearl..." the lines (and not just referring to his hairline) make me want to vomit. Ryan is like tarzan - beating his chest like he rules the earth while he plucks his toe hairs and stares at himself in the mirror for three hours talking about how he can manipulate any situation....Every morning he apparently asks himself - what do I want to be today? And every morning he must come up with - a jack ass. 



The date was a complete roller coaster ride - from driving Emily off the road - literally - to complimenting her with sappy lines, to then insulting her by calling her a trophy wife - the guy is text book for what not to do. And let's please not forget to talk about the top 12 things he looks for in a woman...

1. She thinks I am holier than God. 

2. She strokes my muscles and tells me I'm her King. 

3. She never ages and wouldn't dare get out of shape.

#12: She buys my hair product in bulk so I always have it handy

The list goes on and on. His self-indulgent qualifications should not have simply made Emily "doubt" his intentions, but rather run for the hills. When someone tells you, on a second real date no less - "God makes a promise to give us good things, you'd be a good promise" - you run. Emily finally saw the light and after debating for what felt like forever - fighting off his crazy-eye stare and car-salesman tactics - finally kicked Ryan off his pedestal and sent him home to Georgia. But not before he picked himself back up to make one last plea to the editors to "portray the man he truly is." No editing needed with this one - I think we got the picture.



Arie "snuck out" with a cameraman following him every step of the way, to share a sweet moment with Emily who apparently wasn't expecting him, but was still adorned in her golden ball gown from the evening with rooster. He proceeded to give her mouth to mouth resuscitation and assured her she made the right choice letting rooster fly back to his nest. I like Arie - but next week when he gets busted for having a prior relationship with the producer it will be interesting to see if truer colors come out. 



Emily: We're so sneaky pretending this drama isn't planned.

The rose ceremony was one big "reality" show cliche - after some touching talks where tears were shed and funeral cards traded, Emily was torn in so many different directions and didn't know what choice to make. As she arrived at the final magnetic rose bud, she froze, walked out without a word, and walked in on Chris Harrison hitting on a local Croatian to cryptically "discuss" what she wanted to do. [Side note: Chris truly does have those dramatic hand gestures nailed down].

Meanwhile Doug and John are left, hearts pounding - Doug is crying out for his son and John "Wolf" is howling on the inside. 

Finally Chris enters - "Emily - the extra rose you asked for?"

Relief spread across the room, everyone is safe, Doug peed a little in relief, and John lasts another week. 



Next week we get raw footage in Prague and the Arie drama finally unfolds! Cannot wait.

London Calling the Hood-Rat out of Emily

Finally writing about yours and my favorite quest for love is like a breath of fresh air. It has been such a crazy two weeks with lots of fun and news (details to come in a more "about me" post) but let's be honest, you would much prefer to read about Emily than my life. So, for now let's focus on my bff Emily, love-child, rooster hair, 12-year-old, and the rest of the characters in her storybook romance. I realize I am two episodes behind. TWO. And you all missed my rantings like a dog misses its bone. But I am back in action and ready to recap for you not one, but both episodes of The Bachelorette.

Where to begin.... How about across the pond?

Crap. I forgot what that big clock tower is calle

I studied abroad in London and absolutely loved it, and so this episode was a nostalgic and visual treat for me as a viewer. For those of you who have not been - no need to visit now since Emily is the most informative and charismatic tour guide on the planet - you basically were there. "And there is a building that... wait, I can't remember what the producers just fed to me before they screamed "Action!".... well its probably really old... and this is a double-decker bus and yeah... London rocks!" Please...

Emily and love-child channeled their inner-Kate Middleton donning top hats and petticoats gallivanting through the streets. Meanwhile the guys got a stern 25-feet-away-and-therefore-shouting pep-talk from Chris Harrison in Trafalgar Square about this weeks' dates. Kalon is mad he is not in control - shocking. The sun is shining - actually shocking for rainy London. And Emily sounds like an emphysema patient.

Sean got the first one-on-one. They hit up Hyde Park and happened to "stumble" upon speaker's corner so Sean decided to profess his poetic thoughts on love. Emily is "stunned" by his confidence as she led Sean in four-inch heels (typical sight-seeing attire) to a charming date inside the Tower of London where people have been murdered. Cute. Sean got the rose - no surprise there. Emily "likes her kisses with Sean" - duh - that is like me saying - confession guys: I really like cheese. All very predictable, but sweet. He is a front-runner to me for sure.

Choo.. Choo.. Choo...  KABOOOOM!

The group date was a mess - take Nascar Arie, egg-hoarder Travis, lip-smackers sociopath Kalon, rooster-hair (and now) scarf-obsessed Ryan, Daddy Doug, the invisible man Alejandro, Wolfman John and poor man's Luke Bryan Chris to a park and ask them to act out Shakespeare and what you get is a train wreck. Oh and let's not forget most of the guys never passed high school English, Emily cannot act and has only 10% of a voice, and Kalon is Romeo, when we all know his glossy lips were much more suited for the Nurse. The train didn't just wreck, it imploded.

Speaking of implosions, the evening group date is where things really got heated. Daddy Doug threw "one of the guys" aka - sociopath Kalon under the bus for something he "said" but was not aired on camera in regard to love-child being "baggage." Emily acts shocked Kalon would say such a thing. Really Em? He wears lip gloss, looks constipated 95% of the time, told you he likes to be in control, always imagined his first child as his own, and likes it better when he is talking, and you're not. Drop the shock and awe sista - it makes good TV but makes you look like a fool. 

Emily was livid - aka wanted to get "backwoods, hood-rat on his ass," and yet, handle it gracefully - an oxymoron if I've ever heard one. In my opinion she should have handled it one-on-one with Kalon, but instead, Doug got all excited, rolled up his sleeves and set up the scene like a circus - Guys! Circle around, Kalon is about to get back-wooded, whatever that means! Emily got hood-rat, Kalon tried to explain by singing Miranda Lambert's "Baggage Claim" which did him no good, so she sent him home and proceeded to be so shaken and upset, no one could console her - not even the "hero / tattle tale" Daddy Doug. (Guess that whole move didn't work out for him). Emily is then appalled that no one other than Doug came to her sooner. Doug sports a prideful grin, while the other guys bow their head, cursing Fish Stick (Ben on last season) for setting the wrong example by reprimanding his contestants for coming to him with concerns about other girls and not just focusing on "their relationship." She covets the rose and goes home to snuggle with love-child, leaving the guys in a pool of guilt and shame. Cheerio Kalon. See you on Men Tell All.

Wait, so this tea isn't even spiked? What show is this?!

Luckily the next day, precious 12-year-old Jef was there to cheer her up. He made out like a bandit missing the train wreck and not being one of the "deceitful ones," which he milks by looking at her with puppy eyes saying he was going to tell her and defended her...yeah, yeah, okay. This coming from the guy who hasn't had the guts to even kiss her yet. They then have a very scripted and stuffy lunch date with a British etiquette teacher which was all around awkward.  "Escaping" that, they had privacy and "connection" time in the London Eye where finally Jef confessed he wanted someone to share the details with - poetic - while Emily played coy so Jef with one "f" thought she was "cool." Their relationship to me is like two kids on a middle-school playground. A little sweet, and a little annoying. They finally kiss, queue the fireworks.

The rose ceremony was just more hood-rat "slapping on the wrist" for the Kalon incident. Dear Emily. Cool it. Kalon sucks, he is gone, and in the guy's defense in Bachelor history being a tattle-tale has not always worked out so well.

Alejandro gets the axe - about time. We hardly knew him, other than the fact he watched a lot of Dora, had earrings and had no connection with Emily. The remaining dudes wipe the sweat from their brows and clink their champagne glasses ready for the next adventure to Croatia.

This is long so I am going to post Croatia in another entry - stay tuned!

(I have to credit the funny bubble thought pics to - http://www.melgotserved.com)

Losing my Cheetos at Rooster Hair

I don't work out :( I'm so damaged.

After an awesome weekend celebrating Emma's birthday at the Icon pool and enjoying Sunday night trivia at Cabana, I woke up feeling groggy, full of cake and unprepared for a full work week. But knowing getting through the day meant watching my girl find "true love" in Bermuda definitely put a little spunk in my step.

This week ABC took Emily and the brooding hopefuls to Bermuda, love child in tow. From the scooter parade to actually hearing Alejandro speak a full sentence, the show got off to a sunny start.

Let's talk for a minute about Doug. At first I thought Doug was a nice normal baby-daddy, but now I am realizing Doug is more of a sociopath than even Kalon. At least Kalon flaunts his lip-gloss wearing, helicoptering, douche-bagginess, whereas Doug hides it beneath a facade of daddy talk, muscles and "maturity." His temper is scary, (or as he would call - his "grouchiness") and then like a light-switch he is back to being all "perfect" the minute Emily walks through the door. Not a fan.

Despite the awkward tension at the start, Emily was all smiles parading Doug around the streets of Bermuda encouraging him to fawn over trinkets in a store as if they were strippers and write a postcard to his son (how about a freakin phone call?). And of course reminiscing about the charity he started to show his son "one man can make a difference." There is less cheesiness in Velveeta than there was on this date. Emily says she has such a connection with Doug, which must explain why she asks him really romantic questions at dinner like "what do people hate about you?" And then the part that really made me feel genetically cursed - hearing Emily talk about how her flaw is that she doesn't work out. Excuse me while I go throw up the Cheetos I was eating. The only thing more bizarre than hearing Emily talk about how her perfect body takes no work at all, was the staring contest during which "Just Doug" didn't have the guts to just kiss the girl. Referencing your grandpa does not justify your lack of balls.

Moving onto the sailing competition, all I can say is I want to punch rooster-hair Ryan in the face. His receding hairline is matching his ever-receding charm as these episodes progress. His middle-school flirting tactics, unjustified confidence, and blatant stupidity is hard to watch to say the least.

You can definitely tell Kalon prefers helicopters over sail boats, as the race starts and the ketchup and mustard team fight to the finish. Meanwhile Emily sighs, "I hate watching guys compete," which explains why she would go on a reality show competition to find love, doesn't it? The red teams loses in what was probably a 10-foot race edited to look like a regatta, and gets to spend the rest of the night wooing Emily (or in Ryan's case, calling Emily a trophy wife, ignoring her questions as he says how their babies would be pretty turret-syndrome style, and plotting to be the next Bachelor). And the rose goes to Jef, the 12-year old. He is sweet, but I just don't get the interest.

The Wolf

And then comes the Bermuda triangle date with the two "vanilla" guys in the group we haven't heard much from - aka they are normal, but therefore going to lose. Nate and the Wolf cliff dove with Emily in the sun enjoying the day, but as soon as night fell, it was game time. Nate attempted to show Emily his fun and mature side by crying about his ex-girlfriend - which I will say I find sweeter and more genuine than having the name "Wolf." However, I do see why Emily might have felt worried he was not ready for all of this. As the water dripped on the rocks in the silent cave Emily sent cry-baby home and choose Wolfman - who is sure to be sent home next week.

12-year-old Jef and his runaway hair

Before the rose ceremony, we must squeeze in a vocabulary lesson with love child. Too bad Kalon wasn't there to help, since I am pretty certain he only uses "blue words" in life. Back at the resort, Alejandro thinks they "have something," Jef is wearing knee high socks, and Ryan is asking Emily why she thinks she is worthy and how she is going to use her position to do something great. At this point, I am throwing my Cheetos at the television. Meanwhile, Doug and Kris are having a fallout over age - seriously guys? Neither one of them are acting like men, if you ask me. 12-year old Jef doesn't seem to have a complex and he is a front-runner.

I absolutely love Sean and I think her and Arie will go far, despite the fact both guys kiss like they are digging for treasure back there. Two people went home - pony tail and the Nashvillian Charlie, who currently works at one of my favorite restaurants Urban Flatts and volunteers at the children's hospital. What a catch ladies - go get him!

Carolina Beach Part 2: Parents, tequila shots and baby sharks

My sweet parents

When you are in a relationship it is always a bit nerve-wrecking to meet the parents - of course you want them to like you, you hope you don't say anything stupid, or accidentally cuss, toot or burp or get in a traffic accident while driving them to dinner (its my driving anxiety kicking in again ;). Luckily for Weston and me, both of our parents are great and seem to like us (as far as I know ;). But then there comes that next level - the parents meeting the parents. The control is no longer on you to make the impression - you have to just pray that they all like each other so that in the event you end up with that person you are both not dealing with ying and yang in-laws for the rest of your life. And all the while you still have to keep in mind those key reminders to personally not say anything stupid, cuss, toot, burp, or injure anyone. It can be a lot of pressure...

Weston's sweet parents

BUT, I was lucky and despite some momentary hiccups, very pleased with the outcome.

So Part Two, begins (read Part 1 here):

After burning the crap out of my shin, eating the most amazing donuts of my life, laughing, playing games (some of which involved staring at the moving Direct TV screen-saver since the satellite didn't work - don't ask), getting to know Alisa and Jim (who are so much fun), it was time for the arrival of my parents, and we were ready. Weston and I had gotten lots of snacks (and alcohol) as an excuse to jet-set around the town in Jim's red corvette (a dream ride) and Teresa was hard at work in the kitchen making savory pork chops, fresh peas, squash and potatoes from the garden back home. I was so excited to see my parents, and "not nervous at all" for them to meet the Howards - including Aunt Kris and Uncle Dewayne who showed up to join the fun!

There was not a lot that went wrong that night, but everything that did, went wrong in the first ten minutes of their arrival:

See mom, I'm a wino too!

1. I nervously introduced Alisa as Jim's wife. Yep. They're not married...yet! We're working on it :)

2. Don was confused as to which man was Weston's dad.

3.  As my mom walked through the door, the alarm company called to inform her that a door at our home in Cary was open and our pets might be running around the neighborhood. She may or may not have started to cry.

4. Once the animals were secured, we all took tequila shots (see #6).

5. I accidentally called my mom a "Wino" to the crowd, thinking I was complimenting her savvy and sophisticated pallet for wine. "Wino" is a term for an alcoholic. (enter tequila shot number two). Then the cork broke in the bottle while trying to open the wine. (tequila shot number 3?)

6. I may or may not have referenced having Weston's child at dinner - my filter was a casualty of the tequila shots.

But overall it was a complete blast. Everyone got along really well, and all of my stupid worries were for nothing. We had an amazing meal, good wine, fun games and of course the next morning, walked to Britt's Donuts for round two at the donut crack shack.

My parents left early Sunday afternoon, but my mom and I were able to squeeze in a nice long walk on the beach while Don played poker with the gang. After they left, we went back on the beach for a bit, and then had an awesome dinner at Michael's Seafood Restaurant - home of the #1 seafood chowder in the WORLD - literally. And it was amazing.

To cap off our trip, we went down to the pier and beneath the bright stars and crisp air we cast a line and fished! This was my first fishing experience and I did... well.. horribly. I did not catch one fish. Meanwhile, Alisa is freakin olympic at her first time fishing and caught over 15 fish that night, of three different varieties - including a baby shark! Granted they stayed out there until 2am and Teresa, Jim and I went in around midnight, but still. STILL. I sucked.

It was such an awesome weekend, I wish I could go back (maybe minus the tequila shots) and do it all again. From Tunica to Carolina beach, where the Howards and Jenny go, fun is sure to follow :)

We cannot wait to make another trip home to NC in October for Jim and Alisa's Oktoberfest party! Tickets are already booked and it cannot get here soon enough!