Dear Peter Pan,

Enough already.

Listen, as a young girl you always had a special place in my heart. You're a fearless, fun and whimsical boy with a cute little fairy friend. Only you could saucily rock those green leggings and that strange little feathered hat. And I thought it was super cool you had fairy dust and could show those sweet British kids an adventurous time. Walt Disney endorsed you, and so naturally I was on board.

But as a young girl, I believed that Prince Charming was just as real as you were, and so I didn't think you would become an issue.

Well, I'm all grown up now. The problem is, you still haven't grown up at all. You're still a mischievous man child. Normally, I wouldn't take issue with this, but you see, the boys that grew up with me have decided to follow in your elf-shoes and never actually become grown men either.

By being the "hero" of the story, killing Captain Hook and living the high life in Never Land, you have created a generation of Lost Boys here in the real world. They are now under the impression that being just like you will bring them all the glory. Yes Peter, you have single-handedly given them permission to fly in and out of girls bedrooms and bring them to a place where faires want them dead and mermaids want them to drown. 

Wendy, drop his hand and head home for the love of God

But I will hand it to you, Peter, Wendy is kind of an idiot too. You need to tell her that it is time she learn to stay safe and warm tucked in her own bed instead of flying into danger with you. You just tell her that Never Land will never be the true adventure she is hoping for and that by going there, she is simply enabling you to keep showing up on her windowsill late at night expecting a fun fly.

So please, Peter, I beg you. Grow up now. It's time for you to stop blitzing around town like you own the world, when really, you are just a silly boy in really tight pants.

I promise you, being a real man is not nearly as scary as you think it is. Prince Charming has castles and horses and a beautiful, smart wife who knows how to cook, clean, and has great taste in shoes. So do we have a deal, Peter? I know it might be tough for you to part with the pointed hat and the betchy fairy friend, but I believe in you. YOU CAN DO THIS.

Sincerely,
A grown-up woman who thinks Never Land sucks ass