Taylor Swift - I Enjoy You, But Stop Winning.

Last night was the 2013 American Music Awards and if you ask me, it was the perfect way to start off this wonderful week of gratitude and reflection. Who isn't grateful for twerking and Justin Timberlake?
As we did for the CMA Awards, we are going to watch the show together in a little recap I'd like to call: 

I Have Hostile Feelings Toward Taylor Swift and I Don't Know Why (and other thoughts that went through my head during the AMA Awards):

Make magic with that umbrella, Katy. Make it.

• We're already off to an epic start.... Mulan is in the HOUSE!!!...... Oh wait, it's Katy Perry dressed as a Geisha with bedazzled tube socks. The real highlight was the umbrella dance. Those things aren't just for fancy drinks, you guys. They are for casting spells and ruling the world.
• Where exactly is Pitbull from? At first, I thought Staten Island and then he started channeling Dora the Explorer. (Oh. Miami. Okay, I'm on board). 
• Taylor swift's "sultry" walk to the podium actually looks like she has a lazy leg while pinching a small almond between her tiny ass cheeks.  
• One Direction - I'm intrigued by you. I feel like this song should make me emotional but I'm too distracted by all of your hairdos. It's like they stuck Harry's head up a cow butt and then threw him on stage. Maybe that explains why he is screeching.

  

  What is the strategy here?

PART OF YOUR WORLD

• Wait... who is this chick backed up by the Four Tops? All I heard was "grande" and I went straight to Pumpkin Spice latte and missed it. Whoever you are - get it girl. I will gladly be the fifth top. 
• If The Little Mermaid was from the Dominican Republic and was going to a funeral she would look like Rhianna.
• Imagine Dragons -  this was going well and then you started beating those drums and I involuntarily started head-banging alone on my couch feeling all kinds of giddy inside. 
• Country Album of the Year.... I'm freaking out a little... who's it going to be?!....

  

  I was sedated to come off "mature"

  Oh.......Okay. Sigh. Taylor - I do enjoy this album, you look great and best of all you locked up the preteen "OMG" reaction that you usually accompany with jazz hands and tears, and I sincerely appreciate that. But I REALLY wanted to see.... well just either of the other two win. Either one.
• Rap Album of the Year... I'm not freaking out at all. These two dudes won, and I don't exactly know who they are. They're pretty cute but now they're getting all political..... and I'm uncomfortable. Next. 
• Pitbull and Keisha.... And the uncomfortable feelings remain. Did an Easter egg throw up on Keisha's hair? Shredded jean skirts? The rest - speechless.

  

  Your hair makes me want Sherbet

• Justin Timberlake, you have a little black boy inside you and I like it. And by that I mean.. soul. You have soul.... Gosh you guys...
• FGL - I believe in y'all and that makes this performance extra special for me. But I do wish you sang any of your other songs because I've cruised for three years now, and so this song currently makes me wanna roll my windows down, stick my head out and just wait in the wind until it's over... wait... what do I hear? MUST BE THE MONEY?! Head's back in the car. Cruise on.
• Juan Pablo, let's lay off the hair gel for the actual Bachelor season or you're going to make my blog recaps WAY too easy. 
• Man, Rhianna's voice - you can't deny it. Shines bright like her toupee barrettes. 
• Okay Justin, you have another shot to say something eloquent... let's give this a go... oh. It's like you're a mirror of Rhianna's mom. That was special... not at all offensive.
• I get so tickled by the country music categories... and then so uninterested when Taylor wins. I don't know why... I just get so angry.... And she is so calm and it's freaking me out. 
  
  
• JLo - From the first name to the booty to the rocking wardrobe, we are kindred spirits. I

  

  My doppelganger.

  might not be Latin, but I do Dora just as good as Pitbull, hoookay? I could just live in your pony tail and we could be best friends forever.
• Alicia Silverstone, when you speak your face moves in ways I don't really understand but your voice brings me right back to Clueless so I'm okay with it. 
• FGL - SINGLE OF THE YEAR! Okay, I'll keep my head in the car for this - CONGRATS BOYS!!! Brian you are so well-spoken. And then Nelly speaks...
• JT wins again for R&B album of the year. I told you he was black. This is brilliant. 
• Christina... you look like a curly-haired boy who's voice hasn't hit puberty yet. Did I miss something? Oh wait... I hear you. There you are. Don't do that to me again.... The braid is a little Pocahontas for me, but otherwise, you're stunning. Less was definitely more. 
• Oh no... I don't do this "rap" thing...He's saying the "N" word a lot. I'm going to just mute the TV now. [Since this show is so political, I feel like I should clarify that this doesn't make me racist].
• Lady Gaga and R. Kelly - this was thoroughly entertaining. But what exactly are we saying

  

  See, there is no racism in the house. We're all getting along. 

  here? Gaga is Marilyn and R. Kelly is a black JFK? Or is R. Kelly Obama? This is why I don't do politics. Or drugs.
• Country MALE - [HAH T Swift. You can't win. Nanana boo boo]. Okay...back to the show. I'm very happy for Luke!!! Now that I know where Flint River is, I'm even more on board here. As for the bedazzled suit jacket... not. at. all. on. board. I also think Luke must do Zumba regularly - those moves don't come for free.  
• Awesome TLC tribute - are these ladies singing, because holy crap?! They are almost as identical to the real trio as I am to Jennifer Lopez. 
• Correction. Miley's performance is why I don't do drugs. That gigantic space kitten is

  

  Who needs acid when you've got this gem for free?

  distracting and terrifying. The jewelry is equally distracting... oh my God now the kitten is peeing from the eyes. WTF is going on. But for you, Miley, that was keeping it simple, and so for that, I am grateful.  
• I swear if Taylor wins for artist of the year.......ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??!?! OVER JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE?! I'm now the one who's going to come in like a wrecking ball... and I think Rhianna might join me.  
• Oh.. hi Pitbull... Thanks for saying goodnight... What exactly was your job here?

Another award show evening complete. While it was a good time, I'm now plagued with nightmares of wanting to punch Taylor Swift in the face for winning too much while running from space kittens who have conjunctivitis. Excellent.

Check out last year's post on the 2012 AMA's here.