I'd Rather Blackout

As a woman, I should be programmed to enjoy the shopping experience. Retail therapy should be in my DNA. The thrill of the hunt for the perfect garment at the optimum price should light the spark in my bonfire heart. But quite honestly, the idea of going to the mall on any given day, doesn't really do it for me.

There are a few reasons for this: 
1. The dressing room is where self esteem goes to die.
2. Restless teenagers overpopulate the premises since they have no where else to legally hang out without parental supervision. (I didn't like teenagers when I was one, let alone now).
3. Traffic both outside and inside the mall is obnoxious.
4. Food courts don't give out free samples anymore / my closest mall doesn't even have a food court.
Which leads me to the real reason: 
5. I'd rather spend my money on cheese.

Yes friends. Sometimes, I even share the stage. 

With that being said, I have a hard time understanding why anyone would choose to brave the busiest shopping day of the year - Black Friday. Even the name sounds like a plague will wash upon all participants. It is as if Thanksgiving is now merely a fueling station for the real holiday - eat up, my sweet family, so that tomorrow we can be trampled, cussed out and suffocated by a hoard of hungry consumers hunting down the latest life-size robotic Elmo doll! Doesn't that sound fun, Pops?!

To reiterate, this sounds like my personal hell. 

So, while you are all making love to your credit cards, adorning your matching T-shirts and establishing meeting places to divide and conquer, I'm writing to you, still in a food coma, admittedly hungover and overall beat from performing Celine Dion's greatest hits album for my captivated family (being a star can be pretty demanding, you guys).

So I wish you all the best of luck and I applaud you for your bravery. If you need me, I'll be in the fetal position recovering and praying you all make it out alive.

God speed.